This is my first day coming off my meds and already I’m staring to cry. Nothing’s wrong! I’m at work… But I feel an overwhelming sadness welling up inside me. Because my life is so shit because I always fuck up. I don’t know… people tell me I have so much going for me. Why do I feel like my world is constantly falling down and there is no hope of building it up again.
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QuirkyFox,
you have a lot of company, we all fuck up! we will never stop that.
You sound like I am, my own biggest critic.
Thanks you guys. I’m like a fricken yo yo… It’s something I feel I just have to live with. Sometimes I am the zaniest character I know… Really alive and loud and other times I am the saddest. I can’t live without my (natural) highs and for those I need to pay with lows, far lower than is normal. I would like to find a way to cut them out but meds isn’t the answer…
QuirkyFox I know what you’re saying about missing the highs. The meds keep me from going all manic, but the the lows I get from them really suck. I am tempted to stop my meds, but I did that a year ago and in ultimately cost me my marriage. Long story, but when I came off the meds I found out my wife was fooling around. Now I sit here suicidal and depressed as hell. I wonder if I wouldn’t have been better off staying on the meds and being blissfully unaware of what my wife was up to. The only reason I keep taking the meds is because I don’t want to get crazy ass manic again. I guess all I’m saying is be careful about stopping the meds. Maybe you could have someone you trust keep an eye on you so they can intervene if you start going into a full blown mania. Good luck!
Yeh… JustReallySad. I’m with you on the blissfully unaware thing. It broke up my first LT relationship. I went on meds to suppress my upset and anger (it worked) and then thought bugger this why not just leave him instead!? The truth will always come out in the end, so it’s better it comes out sooner rather than later.
The thing is … I am a dreamer yes, I live in a fantasy world where I think everyone is good and doesn’t have ulterior motives and that often catches me out because most of the time people do.
It seems to me that if you are on your meds, you have your will to live intact. Am I correct? If yes, then you should probably get back on them. If you truly want to live, then there is no need to feel suicidal, if all it takes to makes it go away is the right medication. It’s when you lose your will to live and nothing can take away your pain, that you know it’s only a matter of time before you go.