I have a sweet tooth.
Days can pass and I won’t be hungry, won’t eat, but the second someone offers me something sweet- or if I find it myself- the fast is broken; it can be an apple, a piece of candy, grapes, ice cream. Anything.
But why? Who cares?
The reason is old and sad (or pathetic, if that’s how you want to see it).
We’re not rich. We usually don’t have a lot of food.
When I was younger, we still didn’t have much to eat, but we rarely got anything sugary (or fruits, because parents just went and bought fast food for the starving masses).
One day, when we had nothing but a fuckton of chocolate from Halloween, I discovered something: sweet things kill appetites.
You’re not hungry if you nab a dose of sugar (glucose/fructose/galactose/whatever).
So because I was a kid and I was hungry and I hated being hungry, I sought out anything that would make the gnawing go away, or at least not be the same feeling day in and day out for all of time- and that meant sweet.
Not a lot.
Not enough to get or feel sick.
And it’s an old bad habit; whenever I’m hungry, still, I will always, always eat something sweet. It’s basically a natural response now to go for fruit or candy or whatever instead of real food, because I know in the bones of my memories that if I do eat a meal, it will be the last one for a while- and it is far better to just dull the hunger with sugar until it fades away than to feed it and have it come back even more ravenous.
If I get used to being hungry, eventually I just won’t feel it anymore.
I don’t now.
And I hate that.
It’s silly. It’s very bad for me- I’m 5’6″ and 100 pounds of skin and bones and aversions to meals- and it’s just another thing that I can blame my parents for.
I can’t even fucking control what I want to eat because of those fucking people.
Fucking fuckity fuck.
“Sweetie, why don’t you eat?”
Wow gee I have no idea, it’s definitely not because I don’t want to go back to being hungry every hour of every day of my life no not at all I’ll just have this piece of toast it’s fine I’m fine no we totally don’t need groceries at all yeah we should spend all of that money on shit we don’t need oh you two ate with neighbors how nice.
This really isn’t that big of a deal, but fucking hell, with every other goddamn thing pushing me over the edge, I really don’t need to be passing out because I forgot to eat, Christ.
Sticks and stones may crack my bones, but straws will break my back.