I dont know; continued

life is a perpetual cycle of ups and downs, oscillations between good and bad is normal even if the degree of the up or subsequent down is not, the idea is still the same. I think thoughtful reflection and self exploration is something you should do to really define your feelings, ambiguous thoughts are hard to treat or answer because they’re, well, amorphous and don’t have enough structure to build from. your paranoia is likely the product of extreme trauma which has affected you subconsciously, it may have warped your perception to the point where you doubt your own perspective, maybe because the abuse was too hard to comprehend and you’re still in the dissociative mindset that originally kept you sane under that torture. I’m assuming you have PTSD so that would make sense, you should get professional help if possible, PTSD has shown to be very treatable.