A few days ago, very depressed, I went for a walk in search of a bridge. I’m in a new city and do not know where anything is. I traveled down a deadend road and wouldn’t you know it, I find train tracks. Not only that, I see a train coming. This was it. Here was my chance. To finally end it all after nearly twelve years of suffering with severe depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I waited on the train tracks as the train neared. But as I waited, all I could think about was the fact that I have terrible luck and I’d probably botch this attempt. What if the train ran over my legs, cut them off and I survived? In the end, I couldn’t do it. I stepped off the tracks and watched the train go by, sobbing. I’m so angry at myself. I try to remind myself that I could have made my situation worse by getting my legs chopped off, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. The depression and misery doesn’t fade. Now I’m just as lost and depressed as ever. I failed.
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Maybe you didn’t fail, maybe you actually succeeded JustLauren. There really is I lot that can go wrong during an attempt. I screwed my kidneys up pretty bad during my last attempt. I took a lot of sedatives with a hefty amount of vodka. I could feel it starting to hit me, all I had to do was lie down and go to sleep. Instead I got scared and woke my wife up and she called 911. Besides still being depressed, I felt and still do feel like a failure for my pathetic attempt. That was 9 years ago. Now I’m going through a divorce and feel more depressed that ever before. I feel hopeless and really don’t see life getting any better. I don’t know if any of this helps JustLauren, but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in the way you feel.
I understand how you feel. I had a planned attempt that I didn’t go through with. Today is actually the 3 month anniversary of that attempt. Afterwards, as the cops were dragging me away in handcuffs, I kept telling them how much of a coward I was for not going through with it. I had to spend 5 days in the psych ward before they released me.
There are many reasons why I couldn’t go through with it then. The main reason was that I still had my will to live deep down in my soul. Even though it was planned down to the last detail, something inside me wanted to just get her attention. It was more of a gesture than a true attempt.
Another reason why I couldn’t do it then was the same as yours. I was afraid that with my luck I wouldn’t succeed, and I’d just become another permanently injured statistic. Yet another reason was my fear of the unknown afterlife and the possibility of being punished even further there.
The last reason, but probably just as important, was the impact this would have on the few people that truly love me. It is clear now that I wasn’t ready then. The mistakes I made were subconsciously intentional. I wanted to be stopped before I could do it.
Next time I won’t make those same mistakes. My time is coming to an end. I can feel it.