I don’t know if anyone will even read all of this and offer some viable help for me to end my suffering. Please I’m not looking for a lecture to the values of life and what not. Also what remains of my once dysfunctional family is chipped away to only my very elderly judgmental mother and me, we are barely in touch, we didn’t even talk at my dad’s funeral. I just need advise to exit in a dignified and painless way.
I was an intelligent kid with a high IQ and EQ. Born in Asia and sent to university in NA by age of 15. Adjustment in culture and peer environment was difficult. But that only made me more self reliant. Knew I was gay around this time but never acted on it due to devote catholic background. My 1st experience at 15 would be considered a molestation at a public swimming pool by an older gentleman.
That lead to severe confusion and religious guilt identity crisis. Which I turned to drugs to deal with it. After two degrees and several failed relationships, I had by now worked a myriad of jobs from busboy to VP of high powered firms. I’ve worked in different countries for different high level companies. All these time, it has always crossed my mind as to how I wanted to die. I knew I didn’t want to die a slow agonizing death via cancer, nor did I want to die in a horrific pile up, nor did I want to die slowly aging watching my body and mind fall apart like my dad did of Alzheimer’s. It was becoming an obsession.
I was diagnose with bipolar disorder in 2000 and is on medication to control it. But still do have severe depression that is so overwhelming that I literally stay in bed for days. I would turn to drugs to “escape” and would go on binges.
Through out this period non of my relationships worked. When I was on the lower rung of the economic level, I was seen as being with someone for the sake of security. When I was on the higher rung, I was seen as the guy doling out to get the guys. This only increase my bouts of drowning my issues in pills, pot and alcohol.
Then in 2008 I was diagnose with HIV. That made me even more determined to find an exit that was on my own terms and time. I do know that HIV can be controlled but I feel so tainted that I can never face anyone in my family again nor can I be with anyone. To help easy the pain of the change in status level, I got a dog name Boo. She’s the joy of my life. In 2010 Boo and I moved back to Asia for a simpler life. And within a few years of arrival, by beloved brother died of a brain aneurysm and my father followed suit with Alzheimer’s. I feel closer to the edge of precipices.
I then sunk all the money I have left into a business in Cambodia. Thinking I would take boo there I proceed ahead and left my dog to be cared by my sister and her family. Just on a recent return to see her, I was told by my dearest sister and family that they no longer wants her. Please understand that my dog is extremely well behaved. She was trained properly and is an inside pet. My sister & family just don’t want her because they feel it’s to much work to walk her twice a day!!! I was left with a choice to either take her to Cambodia which I won’t because it’s not practical as the business isn’t doing well and may well shut soon, put her to sleep or sent her away. This just tipped me over.
With no choice I had to sell everything I had so that I can sent boo to her godma in NA. I’m absolutely gutted. I’ve not slept in many nights, even if I do I get nightmares. I’m not eating. I’m crying constantly at the sign of any pets. My self medication is now out of control as I suppress the depression around the corner, if I’m not already in one. My heart aches for my beloved pet. I know she’s now in a better place with someone who loves and won’t abandon her no matter what. But I long to have her with me. She’s been my constant companion for so many years. She was the reason why I’m still here. Now without her here, I no longer have an anchor. No. I don’t want another pet to replace her.
I’m so tired. I just want to close my eyes and sleep without waking up!!!
Please no preaching. In Cambodia I can get a lot of drugs over the counter from benzodiazepines to opiates. If you have suggestions to my questions then great, if not please don’t critic me or give me religious god references. I know what I want.
Thanks
5 comments
Hi PLIS, this is a heart wrenching story. I’ve never experienced anything like you have, but I do know what it’s like to be saved by a pet, only to lose that pet. Animals have a way of showing us the value of our own worthless lives, just because they themselves are considered “worthless” by society and yet we know how precious they are.
If at all possible, I think you should try to be with Boo. It could save your life, and that is more important than you business I think.
About a painless & dignified way to die, that’s a tough one. I always felt that starvation is the most dignified, although it’s far from painless. But in Japan there’s a forest called Aokigahara where people go to commit suicide either by hanging or starvation. There’s a nice documentary on YouTube, it makes me think that’s a peaceful way to go. But very sad.
If you are willing to kill yourself, why not go to Boo instead. You can always kill yourself later?
Hi Salt,
I’m of mind to return to Canada but not to be reunited with my dog. As my post said, she’ll have a much more stable and forever home with her godmother that adores and love her dearly. My intention of going back later this winter is to try ending it via hypothermia. Hypothermia method is something I have long considered doing. Pop a few hundred mg of Xanax, lorezapam, ambiem, diazapam and a liter of vodka and wonder the frozen forest for several hours until I fall asleep from combination of both cold and the pills I’ve taken. Then let the cold end my journey in this realm.
I know boo can save my live but for how long. I’ve buried too many pets and I can’t do it anymore so I need to leave before she does. I’m so broken now that I no longer want to be safed. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again. Life is just to hard and my meds are starting to take its toll on me. Like my posting says “I know what I want” and what I want is an end soon.
I understand you 100%. I even went to Canada once to die of hypothermia like you said… I read a lot about it, and it seems like (once you get past the initial pain) you just get sleepy and drift off. That initial pain was just too much for me though. Or maybe the time wasn’t right. In your case it may be different, and you may go through with it no problem. I hope whatever route you choose, living or dying, it’s an easy one. You’ve suffered enough.
I also know what it’s like to be tired of burying your loved ones. It never gets easier, does it? Only worse. I’m sorry I don’t have any optimistic advice (not that you want to hear it). But here’s a thought, if you know you have just a few months before dying, why not enjoy yourself in the short time that’s left. When I say “enjoy”, I know that’s not truly possible, but there are simple pleasures that are worth trying, like driving cross country to the Grand Canyon or whatever attraction there is in Cambodia (I’m sure there are some beautiful ones). Hell, buy a crate of tequila and have a 6 month party with people you don’t care about. Or visit Boo one last time. Who says dying has to be miserable?
Salt,
Again thanks for being here. I’m in the frame of mind that no partying or “enjoying” my last few months would change anything nor am I going to be able to enjoy myself. My depression is so deep that I can barely function daily much less having crates of tequila to whoop it up with strangers. I would rather the joy of giving away anything I have of value to the poor and needy in Cambodia then offing myself.
My research has made me decide that an overdose is my preferred method of exit. With pharmacy in Cambodia being able to sell you anything, even in bulk form, it seems the logical way. The only thing I can’t get my hands on is ******** as it is the best solution for a peaceful exit. However, I now may have a lead to getting it and if it proves to be true, then I’m pretty much set. Now it’s just getting some of my affairs in order before the joy of eternal sleep. I know what I want.
“I would rather the joy of giving away anything I have of value to the poor and needy in Cambodia then offing myself.”
What a really nice thought. Why do the selfless ones always end up offing themselves, leaving a world of douchebags?
It’s scary that you can easily get everything you need there. And I’m sure you have the will to go through with it once you get your materials. I won’t try to stop you my friend but instead wish you a well-deserved peace, whatever you choose to do.
Will you try to post here on SP up until the end? I know it’s impossible for you to enjoy yourself in that time, but maybe this site can offer you an occasional release.