I don’t know if anyone will even read all of this and offer some viable help for me to end my suffering. Please I’m not looking for a lecture to the values of life and what not. Also what remains of my once dysfunctional family is chipped away to only my very elderly judgmental mother and me, we are barely in touch, we didn’t even talk at my dad’s funeral. I just need advise to exit in a dignified and painless way.
I was an intelligent kid with a high IQ and EQ. Born in Asia and sent to university in NA by age of 15. Adjustment in culture and peer environment was difficult. But that only made me more self reliant. Knew I was gay around this time but never acted on it due to devote catholic background. My 1st experience at 15 would be considered a molestation at a public swimming pool by an older gentleman.
That lead to severe confusion and religious guilt identity crisis. Which I turned to drugs to deal with it. After two degrees and several failed relationships, I had by now worked a myriad of jobs from busboy to VP of high powered firms. I’ve worked in different countries for different high level companies. All these time, it has always crossed my mind as to how I wanted to die. I knew I didn’t want to die a slow agonizing death via cancer, nor did I want to die in a horrific pile up, nor did I want to die slowly aging watching my body and mind fall apart like my dad did of Alzheimer’s. It was becoming an obsession.
I was diagnose with bipolar disorder in 2000 and is on medication to control it. But still do have severe depression that is so overwhelming that I literally stay in bed for days. I would turn to drugs to “escape” and would go on binges.
Through out this period non of my relationships worked. When I was on the lower rung of the economic level, I was seen as being with someone for the sake of security. When I was on the higher rung, I was seen as the guy doling out to get the guys. This only increase my bouts of drowning my issues in pills, pot and alcohol.
Then in 2008 I was diagnose with HIV. That made me even more determined to find an exit that was on my own terms and time. I do know that HIV can be controlled but I feel so tainted that I can never face anyone in my family again nor can I be with anyone. To help easy the pain of the change in status level, I got a dog name Boo. She’s the joy of my life. In 2010 Boo and I moved back to Asia for a simpler life. And within a few years of arrival, by beloved brother died of a brain aneurysm and my father followed suit with Alzheimer’s. I feel closer to the edge of precipices.
I then sunk all the money I have left into a business in Cambodia. Thinking I would take boo there I proceed ahead and left my dog to be cared by my sister and her family. Just on a recent return to see her, I was told by my dearest sister and family that they no longer wants her. Please understand that my dog is extremely well behaved. She was trained properly and is an inside pet. My sister & family just don’t want her because they feel it’s to much work to walk her twice a day!!! I was left with a choice to either take her to Cambodia which I won’t because it’s not practical as the business isn’t doing well and may well shut soon, put her to sleep or sent her away. This just tipped me over.
With no choice I had to sell everything I had so that I can sent boo to her godma in NA. I’m absolutely gutted. I’ve not slept in many nights, even if I do I get nightmares. I’m not eating. I’m crying constantly at the sign of any pets. My self medication is now out of control as I suppress the depression around the corner, if I’m not already in one. My heart aches for my beloved pet. I know she’s now in a better place with someone who loves and won’t abandon her no matter what. But I long to have her with me. She’s been my constant companion for so many years. She was the reason why I’m still here. Now without her here, I no longer have an anchor. No. I don’t want another pet to replace her.
I’m so tired. I just want to close my eyes and sleep without waking up!!!
Please no preaching. In Cambodia I can get a lot of drugs over the counter from benzodiazepines to opiates. If you have suggestions to my questions then great, if not please don’t critic me or give me religious god references. I know what I want.