Idk what to do or feel anymore

well just to start i was adopted young from poland. there was alcohol and abuse, and i was in really bad shape when they got me outta there. i have ptsd from everything. that abuse. now i feel like i can do nothing right. im out of school, doing online classes instead. im severely isolated. i dont go out to exercise and im starting to put on weight. i find myself unnatractive. people have never liked me. idk why. i have a gf right now. she lives in canada. and we’ve never met. its online, but she aint a catfish cuz we have skyed and stuff. she has mood swings, but lately she seems to hate me more and more. she blames me for everything all the time. when she gets bad, she calls me names, and verbally and pshycologically abuses me to the point of me having panic attacks. i have them more and more now. she breaks up with me constantly. but then gets back together with me in minutes as long as i change everything i do so that she can be happy. i have no job, but im looking. my school is extremely behind and im so stressed. but i keep getting distracted with youtube and stuff. ive always been incredibly soft and kind to people. but now everyone pushes me away and avoids me because they all know me as suicidal drew who came to school with burns on his face and went to the bathroom to cut. i have no reputation except for a bad one. no friends. no skills. im lazy. i try and be a good bf and stuff and a good son. but my family gets mad at e all the tme and im so tired. you hear ppl say “suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems” but i think thats good. i would give anything to have a permanent solution to daily abuse, stress, panic attacks and isolation. idk. oh and also i stopped taking my meds because they make me super tired and my gf gets pissed as fuck if i fall asleep. im pathetic and i cant leave her either. oh and i have dealt with depression since 6th grade. im a sophmore now. ive dealt with social rejection since preschool