Why is it that for the scariest and most dangerous undertaking of my life, there is no one I can turn to for help? Why do those who supposedly love me want me to continue suffering instead of helping me end my pain? Would they really prefer that I suffer a messy, painful death alone, rather than ensuring that I go out feeling loved and at peace?
I have only to imagine the reverse situation to have the answers to my questions. I know I could not stand by while my loved ones died by their own hand. And yet, this so called love is condemning me to a most likely horrifying death at the hands of an inept executioner. I can’t succeed at the most simple things in life; so how can I expect to succeed at a painless and lethal suicide attempt?
Yet I MUST die. There is NO ALTERNATIVE LEFT. Continuing on in loneliness, humiliation and pain is no longer to be considered. I wish that someone would love me enough to help me do this painful, terrifying, but necessary thing. I’ve already failed at it once… Most likely I will fail when I try again, like I have at everything else in my life. Only the most violent methods will do. I hate being backed into this corner.
11 comments
We all feel like that.
^^ I agree. We’re all trapped in the same maze, and that maze generally only has bad exits and worse exits.
How did you get your hands on a gun?
I haven’t. It’s hard for me to do so since I can barely leave the house and don’t drive.
Well I once nearly choked to death on some food that lodged in my throat and I didn’t panic and it wasn’t as scary or as painful as I thought it would be. If I’m ever in a very tight spot and need to die fast-say like I end up as an ISIS hostage or something, I think that’d be a great way to go.
Perhaps I didn’t choke long enough for the panic and craziness to kick in…but I think I could’ve breezed it, if I really was set on suicide at the time. That or self-strangulation. But like you I don’t want to end up worse off. I want a safe, painless and most importantly reliable method.
Your ‘loved ones’ are probably religious nuts who fell for the idiotic notion that life is precious, your fake god doesn’t allow suicide (or assisted-suicide), therefore you must die in agony slowly-basically you have to live a tortured existence until the moment of death, isn’t religion great?
Of course people won’t help you as well-because in some places it’s considered manslaughter or some other crime. But at least they should help you get the gear you need so you can jerry-rig something yourself.
I’ve thought about death a lot and someday I will go by my own hands. For now my life is somewhat bearable so I keep living-but often times I do wish I really was dead-I don’t have much to live for and have grown tired of life and the same routine.
I wish there was a magic pill we could all mix up in the kitchen that’d end our lives, but nothing like that exists yet. I’d recommend avoiding the violent methods, they’re not always reliable. Having experienced bad pain, I wouldn’t even dream of jumping off a building or shooting myself. Personally I’m leaning towards either inert gas or carbon monoxide when I go, unless I find a better way or get hit by a car. lol bad joke I know.
I meant ‘potion’ not pill but same idea.
My loved ones aren’t religious actually. I think they are just fond of me, and can’t believe that the pain driving me to suicide can’t be remedied. I wonder if they would help me die, if they believed as I do that this pain is not going to go away in this lifetime.
Well I’d help any of my family members any way I could-so long as I was guaranteed not to get into any trouble. I’m pretty sure they help me also-we’ve all talked about not wanting to live as vegetables (say after an accident).
So you never know if you talk to the right person-they might help you…the good thing is that they’re not religious-usually that’s what would stop most people from assisting.
Not sure what pain you’ve had, but I’ve experienced sciatica (like a toothache pain in your leg), severe back pain, major cramps, migraines, joint pain during a very severe flu I had once and so forth-I’m well now, but if I had to live with any of these debilitating forms of pain for an extended period of time, I’d rather be dead.
People who’ve never been through such things, could never have an inkling of how terrible they are-especially when it’s unending pain. Life is hard enough without having medical problems on top of it-so I fully understand where you’re coming from and if no doctor can help you, then if I was in your shoes, I’m sure I’d be welcoming death also.
Me, too. I’ve been stuck in a really bad benzodiazepine withdrawal, which has sucked all the joy and happiness out of my life. All that remains is pain, fear and anxiety. I fondly remember myself before benzos and the person I was before them. I’ve heard it takes people months and years to heal, and am already so weak, sick and miserable. To my loved ones, I look ‘ok’ on the surface, and they say, ‘ah, you’ve always been afraid’. Yes, I’ve had my anxieties, but never this 16 hour a day chemical anxiety that robbed me of who I was. I was never agoraphobic before, I was never under house arrest before. But that’s my life now. About to lose my job, the house and everything. I don’t have a rich mentor to shell out millions to help me with this prolonged recovery. I want out. I am tired of living like a zombie….
Damn sorry to hear that. I went through major personality change and mental rape on a very high dose of effexor. I hear benzos are far worse… I’m sorry that those who were supposed to heal you did such damage to you instead.
Interesting post. I agree with most of your points. I recently concluded that my chosen method is impossible for me. I just can’t do it. So I’m searching for a different way.
The fact that we have no control over our destiny is quite unfair. It’s our life, why can’t we decide to end it? Why is helping us a crime? It just doesn’t make any sense.