I’ve had two serious suicide attempts:
The first time I tried to kill myself (around age 14) was after my best friend had done the same a week prior and I couldn’t stand living without him. I chose to hang myself, but the beam I used to tie the rope on ended up snapping. I fell, hit my head and was knocked unconscious. My mother heard me fall and found me up in the attic and then called the EMS. I had a huge lump on my head, which ended up being a mild concussion and my throat was all sore and messed up afterwards. I had a lot of trouble swallowing and talking. I remember walking around the looney bin with a “spit cup” because it was less painful to just spit the excess spit in my mouth out as opposed to swallowing it. I also just felt really out of it and dizzy for a while because of the concussion… not to mention the headaches that came along with it. Everyone told me how “lucky” I was that I survived, but I couldn’t help but feel like a huge failure. After about a month in the looney bin, through therapy and meds I was somewhat okay. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t suicidal.
The second time I was around age 22. This time I didn’t have a specific reason other than the fact I felt miserable and I’m sure my addiction to heroin didn’t help my mental well being. I knew I had to quit in order to have a functional life, but I just loved being high so much I figured I’d just rather die than give up the one thing I loved (as pathetic as that sounds.) So I gathered up some extra money and got enough dope to put probably three people down. I remember pushing the plunger down but it all went black after that. I had forgot my roommate was coming back from her trip early and she found me in the bathroom with a needle in my arm. She told me I looked blue, but I wasn’t exactly stiff, so she called the EMS, they shot me up with narcan and BOOM! ripped out of the void and right back into real life. Again, I felt like a failure. I didn’t go to the looney bin, but I did go to one of those rapid detoxes for about a week. I still felt miserable when I got out, but for some reason I decided to give life another go.
Now I’m almost 27 and the suicidal ideations have never really left me. I’ve tried psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, art therapy, music therapy, meditation.. I’ve gone to groups like narcotics anonymous to deal with my substance abuse… I’ve tried a whole slew of meds and supplements. I’ve tried just exercising and trying to eat and sleep well. Nothing really seems to work and if it does, it’s fleeting. I feel cursed. Doomed to an existence of misery. Lately I’ve been trying to think up another way to try to kill myself. I want a fool proof way… but there’s no way I can have access to any guns or anything like that. I’ve been thinking of jumping off a really tall building… however, there’s this tiny voice inside my (perhaps instinct?) that is telling me to hang in there. That I’m miserable now but it will get better…. so I’m hesitant. At the same time, though, if things will never change I’d rather just die now.
There is no real point to this. Just ranting really. and man, now that I bring up Heroin, I could really go for a shot. A dope high is the second best thing next to being dead, is what I always say.