Waking up everyday feeling that you’re worthless, not knowing what to do with your life. I constantly think about the meaning of it all, yet I always come up with a blank. Living day after day without anything to hold on to. I have a couple of friends that I hang out with sometimes or go to events, but I don’t know how to make real connections, because I’m socially awkward. I keep telling myself “Just try to be friendly, do your best, you will improve, you will meet new people, everything will get better” But it doesn’t. It just gets worse and just thinking about the fact that all my hard work is useless hurts so much.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about my true feelings, even those friends, I assume it has something to do with me being reckless when I was younger, trusting the wrong people and being too open with them, which ended in me being constantly embarrassed and the only thing I could do is just close up little by little, eventually forming a wall that doesn’t allow me to make true connections with others. I just… I just wish I could have somebody to talk to, talk about my ups and downs and listen to that person’s highs and lows as well, caring for each other and holding each other in the most dire of situations.
I wish it could be easy to suicide. If I was given a button that would kill me, I would press it without hesitation. But there is no such thing. And I’m left pondering what I should do, being scared that it might not work, I wake up in a hospital, everybody finds out and judges me… That’s not to say that I’m the happiest of people on the outside, I’m pretty sure some notice that there’s something wrong with me and I find it hard to endure, because I don’t want anybody who I don’t trust to know. And in this situation, that is nobody.
Everything just feels so empty. I keep reflecting on the past, even though I’m still young and keep thinking how great it was to be a kid without any cares or worries. Now all I do is lay on the floor most of the times, feeling emotionless. Everything is just so empty… And I just want to leave this place, because its just so heart-breaking. For a couple of years I’ve had this desire to get into a relationship, because I’ve never been in one, however that seems impossible, because I can’t even make any new friends. It’s been so long, that I recently realized something.
How can I be happy with someone else, if I can’t even be happy with myself?
Surely my sadness would eventually seep into the heart of my beloved one and the kindness and love that person brings would soon disappear, because the bad impacts us more than the good. And I don’t want to be the one that ruins the life of a beautiful person inside and outside.
I’m paranoid about people trying to track me down, of not taking me seriously. I’m just trying to release SOMETHING. It’s just so hard to carry all of this inside me, never letting it go, opening up to someone. I want to shout as loud as I can, I want to do something.
I know it’s terribly selfish of me and I don’t blame you if you think I’m a horrible person, but could you please just write something if you’ve read through this. I don’t want to feel like a random piece of trash drifting through the endless ocean of the internet. I just want to be able to get a glimpse of what it feels to be cared about, loved by someone, understood. Please…