I’ve just been going around and around in circles for a long time. But the one thing that remained the same when I spun around in these circles was that I was afraid. I was always afraid. At first, it was the fear of death, then the fear of life, then just the overwhelming fear of everything in life.
I’m a coward. I know. I deserve to die. But once again, I was afraid to do it. When I finally gathered up the courage to try, I failed. Then I became even more afraid. I was afraid of trying again. Afraid of what would happen if I did, and it failed. And what would happen and how it would affect my future if I didn’t die the next time. I was afraid for a future I didn’t have. And this fear, this nagging wouldn’t go away.
So I immersed myself in activities, joined clubs, teams, and tried to bury these feelings under work. I became the captain of the swim, volleyball, and wushu teams. I was first chair in the school band and the Vice-president of the student council. Everything was perfect – at least from the eyes of others. Honestly, I didn’t know what was wrong with my life either. I had everything that I should have, and wanted. But whenever I stopped working for a second, this feeling would come back. And so I did as much as I could. I slept for four hours a day and spent the rest of the time buried under paperwork, training, and responsibility.
But now, the fear of life, and the fear of death, they’re gone. It’s all been replaced by this one fear that seems to dominate my life. The fear of growing up. Things are easy. I didn’t have to provide for myself, and I didn’t have to stand on my own two feet. I had people supporting me. I didn’t need to make money, or worry about housing, or education, or any of the things in the ‘real world’. I was safe.
But now I’m going to grow up. High school. Then college. Then life. And I don’t know if I can even get INTO college. Or succeed in life. Or even stay alive. I want to end it all. I want to. But then I think about the money people put into me, and I feel guilty, for using so much to only die. I don’t think that I can get into a school, then find a job, and then make money. I don’t think I can live in the real world. And every single second that passes, all the time I put into writing this post, they just bring me closer to entering the ‘reality’ that awaits. I’m scared of that happening. Please, how can I stop growing up?