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Mockery

by Identified

Can someone please help me end this? This is ridiculous.

For me to have the strength to end it all, i would have to have some motivation. If I had any motivation to do anything, I would cling to it. I would survive.

At this very moment, though, I only have the precious remnants of it. I’m drunk, so there’s some dopamine or some other shit in my system letting me be enough of a human to write this. Letting me be a man. A man which is strong enough to send a hopeless and desperate cry for help.

I work 50 hours a week and I give my hard-earned money away just to be able to dream about having enough money to somehow end this pathetic caricature of a real life.

This is prison. This is torture. This is the ultimate joke and the ultimate human experience at the same time.

Nature is cruel as it is, but to experience its injustice with a “virtue” of a human brain…To even remotely grasp the horror we actually live in…Then to experience the worst outcome and the biggest sorrow imaginable…Just to understand that even those horrific experiences and those awful feelings of dread and hopelessness were a blessing. A blessing compared to what “I” now “feel” everyday. Emptiness. Nothingness.

Tears dropped when I first understood that even my understanding of hopelessness can pass. And now dread is upon me, because those tears stopped. Almost.

I need to end this until I “sleep”.

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cephalus 4/25/2015 - 10:28 pm

^ This.

I work an insane amount as well. I make good money, and its even fulfilling. People like me, and I get to help people in the real world.

I’ve told myself as long as I am helping others, improving others. I’ll continue.

But, its not even. I think its because I’m lacking love. I don’t have a real reason to go home, or go to work. I don’t have anyone to share my joy, my thoughts, intuition or my sadness with.

I’ll get up tomorrow. I’ll go to work. I’ll smile and laugh. Not sure exactly why. My programming I guess.

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