After a suffering childhood with to much suicide attempts and other violence in my family i at age 5 landed in shock. Child protection came in after my sisters suicide attempt but my parents kept there dirty laundry for them self they did not explain what was happening just blamed the kids. Child protection did not see i was in shock thought i was stupid and hard to handle. At age 6 they dumped me by trick in closed house of correction for the aggressive retarded children. 5 Years there with all the torture really fucked me up for life. It was not the beatings it was the mental torture. I did nothing but cry for my mammy and after they couldn’t beat the crying out of me they tried some other tactic . I was there on month and it was Sint Nicolaas (Sinterklaas) time they given me a message if i did not stop with crying they would take me to Spain and i would never see my mother again..After that home i went from government home to government home until i was 17. My life was fucked up and i did not even now why since i blocked all this shit very successfully from my memory.Did not work my memories were to strong for example as an adult i crashed, crying puking feeling really bad, when i heard Sesame Street. Happened for years and i did not know why. At 28 i remembered after sesame street they brought me to that torture home. Many more problems, the called my state C-PTSD (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder).
I cant trust people any more. When i fall in love with a beautiful girl/woman i start to feel sick and feel the urgent need to flee nothing i could do about it (still the same).
My rescue came at age 27 (1999) when i adopted a sweet sweet puppy from the animal shelter. I started to love her very much,, it was a long time ago since i was able to love anything. It was the best time in my life only she and me! Just like i wanted it to be with my mother, her and i, all others didn’t matter. I was/am an official invalid and we spend all day together walking long hikes all day long we were so happy. She never walked on a leash she always walked free. At her age 9 she became rheumatic quite bad things were looking very negative and no medicine did help. After internet research i decided to try a special diet for rheumatic problems (no meat no grains and more..). Tossed away the dog food and started cooking daily fresh biologic food for her everyday. Salmon or Tuna or Victoria Brass or Squid with sweet potatoes broccoli banana kiwi apple vinegar carrot coconut oil vitamins and supplements. It worked so sweet in 2 weeks all her complaints were gone and never came back (as long as i cooked fresh food and i did). When she became less mobile at age 14 i just stayed home with her all day. Small hikes became the value.
February 2015 she became sick. She ate and ate she was very easily scared by for example an door that opened in front of her or when you reached out to her to hug her. The veterinarian did all kinds of research turned out she had Cushing syndrome (along with 4 other suspected tumours). Her liver was also in bad shape and the Cushing medicine were very heavy on the liver. The medicine did not cure they only suppressed the way to high cortisol (stress) levels caused by the Cushing. I decided that before i give her that medicine i try Cannabis oil cause it did not harm the liver or other organs. It worked instantly she loved it. When i did a drop on a piece of steak she licked the oil and left the steak were it was. Her eating became normal did not pie or poo in the house any more and she was totally without stress. Her force in her hind legs was coming back things were looking good.
As she she also had other cancers i decided to look for more ways for treatment as the veterinarian couldn’t do anything else (to old to operate). After a week of thorough research i started to believe in MMS. It was used on humans and pets there were loads of success story’s over the product dying people & dogs came to life. Bought it tested it on my self for a week with extreme high doses. Couldn’t find anything bad about the product so i gave her one drop to try through her food (28 march). Did it for 2 days when it became clear for me that it did not work in fact it was an disaster. She got diarrhoea like a mad men stopped eating had a very hard time. I was in full panic i poisoned my dog.. Drove with high speeds to the vet & explained the situation. She told me not to worry and gave her pro-biotic and instructions to force feed her. She hated the force feeding i felt so bad i had failed her even when things would become all right again. She did not get an full recovery any more her poo became good again but she never voluntarily ate again. Friday 10 April did her liver fail at 21.00 her pie was blood. Vet told me her organs were failing one by one and she started to digest her own blood she advised me to put her to sleep, I agreed at the moment but i cancelled it 30 minutes later. At 00.45 i called again & at 01.30 the vet arrived at our house were from she went to heaven. She never showed she had pain.
The veterinarian told me that she didn’t die from the MMS she was old and all her blood work showed that her liver values were of the chart before i started MMS. Still i did seriously fuck up her last 2 weeks on earth. I feel so bad & i miss her so. All i wanted in life & dead was to be forever with her.
I serious want to die but it feels just like at my age 6 when i wanted to cry for my mother…not allowed…you’ll then never see her again.
No family no friends, maybe in a short time i find the courage to join her. I hope so.
Driekske 2 April 1999 – 11 April 2015 R.I.P.
15 comments
People, dog…whatever the case may be will always die or end up leaving you. This is life. I do not encourage any suicide but this is the facts. It is what it is. Get busy living or get busy dying. No time for thinking of what should have been. The past won’t change, the present is yours and the ability to change the future is in your hands as well. Decide. Don’t think, Be.
This is normally true but in combination with c-ptsd everything works different.
@sheu211
very well said…hard to implement but thoughtful and clear.
That’s a horrific story. Glad you found a dog to keep you happy. You did a great job taking care of her.
Thank you Gary555 for your kind words. She had so much character once she told me she did not liked me being cycling al day long. Somewhere 2002 she bit me in my nose when i came home from cycling. Not hard but she choose, with surgical precision, the inner-bone of my nose it was painful.
I understood her it was the end of my cycling career.
@Ed,
This is why I’m in favor of abortion and having licenses to have children, so that kids don’t end up living through the terrible kinds of experiences that you’ve gone through-it was all so unnecessary and didn’t do anything to advance society.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dog-I think you should’ve done the humane thing and put her down a lot sooner when her health was clearly deteriorating. That’s the double-edged sword of having a pet, you build a bond but then, like people they eventually die. You could simply adopt a new animal-that’s usually the best way to cope with the loss of the previous one, imo.
WildOne Thank you for your kind words. Still i have to disagree with you. It was government home that really fucked up my life for a long time. The world has to change not the rules especially not by force.
Thrust me she did not want to leave. Already in a deep sleep when the final dosage was injected she growled for a moment. I feel like i should have waited a few more days but i couldn’t think clear.
She was like a daughter to me not replaceable nothing can fill up her love.
It is the waking up that is the hardest.
Thank you Gary555 for your kind words. She had so much character once she told me she did not liked me being cycling al day long. Somewhere 2002 she bit me in my nose when i came home from cycling. Not hard but she choose, with surgical precision, the inner-bone of my nose it was painful.
I understood her it was the end of my cycling career.
I cried so hard when I read your post. I love dogs so much. When mine died in 2010, the only thing that kept me going was my girlfriend (eventually my fiancée). She made everything better with her love.
I applaud all your efforts to make her more comfortable. Deciding to put your pet to sleep is one of the most difficult decisions you could ever make. I was supposed to be taking mine in that morning, but he died in my mom’s arms a couple of hours before. It was like he knew, and he chose to go on his own terms and take that burden from us. He was the most compassionate being I have ever met. As my own life is coming to an end, I think of him more and more. I miss him every day.
@worthless_loser 73
Thank you very much for your kind support! 100% so difficult to decide. I still don’t now wetter i did right. I could not think clear,, more like in shock/panic maybe i should have taken some of her cannabis oil for myself that day maybe that way i could have helped her better. I wanted to give her a few more days but the vet warned me that if the emergency came on saturday or sunday due to the veterinarian shift she would not be able to sleep in at home i would have to go to them. My dog hates the vet lots of dogs do but she really hates the vet i did not want that to be her last moment on earth.
I always hoped that when the day arrived she would die painless in her sleep. Asked the vet about that she told me that in Driekske’s specific case it would likely be very painful for her. Thank God yours died peacefully.
I hope that when your time comes you’ll be reunited with him. It will be a big celebration i am sure:)
Till then take care.
Hi Ed, I’ve been reading & posting on this site for years, and your story is the closest to my disaster of a life that I’ve ever seen. What can I say but I’m so sorry for us.
Just like you, I found a reprieve from hell (in 2003) from a scruffy dog I saved from being killed at a shelter. In the next 10 or so years she saved my life a thousand times over. Very few people can understand, and I can’t even explain so never try. But I know you do. I guess it has something to do with protecting and taking care of something so weak and fragile in this world, something that human society puts zero value on, yet you alone see her infinite value. And she sees yours. It isn’t just a human-pet bond, but it’s literally the bond of two worthless souls who show each other that they are worth everything, despite what society, the world, the universe, gods and demons may say. When you save a defenceless life and she saves you right back, no power is stronger.
Except death. Death comes and levels everything. I know how hard you tried, I can see it. I was the same. I spent every waking hour (and many sleeping ones too) studying, researching, calculating how to beat death, cure cancer, shake the damn pillars of logic and science to their foundation for this one tiny life. I did the same things you did. Found some exotic remedies that seemed to work, experimented on myself… But ultimately I made one huge mistake. In desperation i ignored my instincts and went with an experimental new drug that had just been discovered in 2010 and seemed to show good results, even though I didn’t trust its chemical nature.
Within days of me giving it to her, she came apart at the seams. God damn me to a thousand fucking hells for making that mistake.
Well all of this has a point, and not just for me to ramble on about my troubles. I found a way out of the thousand hells, and I’m working every day at it. Since our stories are so much alike, I figured I’d share with you my escape plan.
Go back to that shelter and rescue another dog. And another. And convince your friends and coworkers to rescue a few also. Volunteer at an animal rescue, or even start one of your own like I did, to save more and more and more. And with each new fragile “worthless” life you save, it cleans your filthy damaged soul. Just a little bit. You’ve seen how Driekske made such a difference. Nothing can ever replace her, but in her honor you can save more of her kind. How many will it take to equal her life? I don’t know, thousand, million? Or maybe, if you believe in angels & heaven, just 1. What else is there to do but keep trying?
Hello Salt,
I am a bit inadequate in finding words right now but i want to thank you very much for sharing your story. It amazes me how you express my bond with Driekske so clear as you talk over your soulmate. I feel very sorry that there is someone else who experiences this close to unbearable pain.
Your escape plan sounds solid but it is going to take time before i am ready for that even when, as you correctly stated, it would be in her honor. Right now it would feel like betrayal to my girl we were not for big groups it has always been she and me.
In time if things get better i am going to try your advise to do as much good to man’s best friend as is possible. I hope it would benefit her soul. Maybe it even helps my damned failing soul so that later i can go to her in heaven not burn in hell without her.
Just one week ago at this time i buried her in our garden For now i need to mourn a while.
While typing this message i had really problems finding words. I hope i choose the right ones & am i not to straggly (as i feel myself)
You have to get a new puppy as soon as possible! Obviously having a companion suits you & you shouldn’t be alone during this sad time. A puppy will never replace your unique & amazing dog who was one of a kind but a puppy will love you during your time of sorrow, and caring for it will be a bit of a distraction to ease your mind off your loss and help you absorb it better- in smaller increments.. It won’t take away the pain and loss, it will just help to spread it out into more manageable chunks with the puppy competing for your attention with its numerous needs.. just a suggestion.BTW, you were kind & loving & generous of heart with your dog. So beautiful. You should be proud of what a lovely person you are in spite of your terrible background. God bless you.
@Heart
Thank you Heart for your kind words. You know my mind is al mixed up c-ptsd makes you an alien on planet earth. When you are very young your mind wiring is build. When my wiring was build things were absurd. In a way i become like that for example loyalty i have my own unusual strong definition of that. I cant just step over my loss (that is how i would translate that right or wrong) it is going to take a long time,, if i ever get over it.
1998 When my Tasha died it took me more then a year and even then when i got Driekske i saw her as replacement. I took mourning very serious back then i spend one full year in a small 1 person tent in my garden (-18 that year). I never could say goodbye to her because she couldnt be alone like my Driekske could not be. She was cremated when i buried Driekske i put her urn in Driekske coffin. I like to think that there not alone there together.
I agree i think i did a lot of good but i wasn’t perfect. Driekske was very smart ever sins she was operated on her shoulder muscle at age 9 she learned to manipulate me. When we walked somewhere but she wanted to go another way she started to limb and when we turned the way she wanted then she walked fine… Another sabotage way of her to get her wish granted was walking very slowly and sometimes it drove me nuts. Sometimes i would not give in and i pushed her along. She did this ever sins and at her old age she simply became slow while i still was thinking that she was manipulating. I feel bad about that very bad.
Strange thing when she got Cushing (untreated then) she started to run like a young puppy. Last week of February i could not keep up with her had to put her on a leash. The Cushing syndrome gave her constant hunger even when full & after walking she got food she new that.
@Heart
I know you are right i wish i could follow up your advise. It is my faulty wiring that say’s no.