I keep trying to trudge on through. I keep trying to tell myself “it’ll get better” but there’s just this overwhelming bellowing scream in my soul that exclaims “fuck it!” “bail! bail! bail!” “don’t kid yourself, get it over with NOW!!!” I feel torn and conflicted because on the other side there’s this tiny voice that tells me to “please hold on, it will get better” I’m exhausted on this inner argument inside my mind. I just want my mind to SHUT THE FUCK UP! and what better way to do that than suicide? I’ve been hoarding my meds. So far I have enough adderall to kill me, but I’m also going to take the ativan I’ve hoarded and score 2 grams of dope to do on top of the adderall to take the edge off I guess. I’m going to get a motel room or something because in the past when I’ve attempted to off myself, someone always found me and I was able to be saved at the last minute. The only person that will find me will be the cleaning lady and by then it’ll be too late, It’s so sick that writing about this plan is the only time I’ve felt happy and excited about something in weeks.. I’m a sick, twisted, *****. I deserve to die.
FREE ME FROM THIS CRANIAL HARNESS THAT KEEPS ME STUCK ON THIS HORRIBLE PLANET. I’m anchored. I just want to sink.