after my first post i realised that as much as i hate talking about what bothers me, i have to… so here goes… this is the reason why i have lost my way, my happiness and my self..
All through high school my parents fought, as much or maybe more than every married couple does, but after a while my dads drinking had gotten worse by the day, my parents stopped sleeping in the same room, they stopped having conversations ( apart from the usual ‘whose gonna pay the bills’ argument), and we stopped being a family.
When i started university and they assumed i was now able to handle the worst possible situations, my fathers drinking had reached an all time high, with hallucinations and violent behaviour replacing his calm and usually thoughtful self.
it was about a year later that my mother started having an affair, i dont know if it happened simultaneously or if my dads drinking and abuse drove her to it but i do know that i saw a woman who lost her first love a little more each day.
their fighting and my dads mood changes had the worst of impacts on my studies, i started to slip and had no vision for my dreams any longer, i lost all hope. last year my mother left us, this took a toll on my father and it became more of my sister and i taking care of him than he taking care of us. we couldnt afford to live in our house any longer so we had to move, now my dad lives with his mother and I live with my sister.
although i see my mum as much as i can i still feel the emptiness every single day, i dont blame her for leaving, she saved our lives by doing that ( dads rage was brought apon whenever he fought with her but he always physically took it out on my sister) but i still miss having a family.
we have become outcasts to the rest of out family now, my sister and i do not fit with my dads side who thinks we kicked him out our house or my mums side who just cant face us.
i feel more and more alone as the days go by, there is no one who understands this nor anyone who tries, family is the most important thing to me yet it is the one thing i dont have.
this is the outline of my life, this is what defines me now, this emptiness, this solitude. it may not seem like much to most people but to me i have lost my world and all my reasons to carry on pushing forward in this miserable life