I am an 18 year old guy and my life is shit for the last 10 years with no exaggeration. I am really fucking depressed and I keep everything inside me for a very long time but I found this site some time ago and I would like to write my story before I end my miserable life. I know many of you will get bored and close this page in the midway because it will be very long but I don’t care for anything anymore.
The problem is that I am just so fucking ugly. I have nothing on me to like about. I am so fucking short, 5’4, with a slim & weak body and I have a small & childlike face as well as poor eyesight. I am literally like a fucking 10 year old boy. Seriously, I mean it, my eyes are tiny and my nose & mouth the same. Whenever I tell someone my age no-one believes me. Not only I have a small features but also I am very ugly, my face is flat and tiny with horrible structure. I never had a girlfriend and I would never have because I am so fucking short, weak and I look like a fucking kid and have nothing in common with the men that women wants , the tall and strong guy that wants him to protect them. I am also pretty sure that I would have difficulties in even finding a job in the future because of my fucking ugly and childish face -> no-one will take me seriously in my job. The people that say that the appearance doesn’t play much role should shut up because this fucking society is racist and there is huge discrimination and there are proves that good looking guys have greater chance of success in their life in every aspect.
I am so fucking depressed! Due to all these I have no fucking no social life and I isolate myself and became an introvert. Everyday I go to school and then back home again locking myself in my fucking room and spent all day in front of the pc doing nothing. I get pissed off whenever I see a happy person or a couple because it reminds me how fucked up I am and that I would never be able to enjoy this happiness in my life like other people. The few ‘’friends’’ that I have were used to invite me to go out with them but I always refused and now they don’t even bother asking me so again I locked myself in my room. I am so sad, miserable and lonely and in some days I don’t open my mouth to say a single word. I also have to laugh for about 8 years (SERIOUSLY SPEAKING) because I have all those thoughts in my head all the time, that I won’t be able to have a happy life, no girlfriend, family+ nothing in my life and feel so depressed. When I am alone for a very long time (not going to school) I start to ‘’forget’’ how shit I am but when I see myself in the mirror, suddenly all the unhappiness returns in just a second.
I don’t have any ambitions and aims for my future and I am so hopeless that I don’t give a shit for nothing anymore. The only thing I ‘’want’’ is to go to a university (which will be hell for me again) that will allow me to get a job so I can leave from my fucking family and go to live alone and just spent all time in my apartment seeing no-one and listen to no-one until I find out an easy way to kill myself. Can believe it man? I am 18 year old and my only aim is to locked myself in a fucking room! When I listen to my friends about their future plans that they want to party all the time, have sex with many girls and travel around the world and then compare it with mine it make me feel pathetic.
I also hate my stupid family. They never gave a shit about me. When I was young they never let me to get out with my friend like normal child so always staying at home losing any interest in socializing. They also didn’t even care of sending me to learn any sport, music instrument, dancing etc and so have no interest in those thing like most other people. I don’t even know how to swim! I am so uninteresting and boring person. I am also not involve in any social network site (e.g. twitter). My sister I the opposite of me. She’s tall and pretty and go out every night with her friends. I fucking hate my parent because they gave me their fucking genes and become like this shit and I suffer all day because of them. I barely talk to them everyday. Fucking bastards, why they wanted a second child?
This life is so unfair. I want to die more and more everyday. While other people of my age are having fun, I am searching ways to commit suicide. Fuck! I am afraid to do it! I hoped many times to die in my sleep and even when I am in the car I purposely not wear a seatbelt so if I am lucky and an accident occurs I will die. I also lost my faith to god. I used to believe that even if I am disadvantaged compare to other people, if I am a good person, god will help me find happiness. But now all of these are bullshits for me and facing the reality made me collapsed & feel helpless.
I can’t live in this life anymore. I just can’t. I am tired of it. This world isn’t made for everyone. I understand that and I really accept it but I think I have every right to leave from this torture and end my life. So please can anyone tell me the most painlessly way to die? The only thing I wanted in this life is to be a fucking normal, average with normal body size, height and average looking. Just fucking normal.
I am so hopeless and depress. Most probably this is the first and the last thing you will hear from me. With the one or the another way I will find the courage to end my fucking life. Perhaps I am another suicide stat as most people will think but I don’t care. Let it be like this. Thank anyone bothering reading about my fucked up life and sorry for wasting your time since at the end of the day I don’t even know why I wrote this. Perhaps I want to get it out of myself before I leave this world. Bye and have a nice life… I won’t miss anything from this fucking world.
P.S. sorry for my bad English but I am from central Europe.