Ever since I was little I lived my life in fear that something bad was going to happen to me, and I wish I had never been my life.
When I was 8 my parents got divorced. I remember the family meeting my mom and dad had with my little brother and I. My mom decided one day that this life wasn’t good enough for her anymore, so she picked me and my brother up, gave us a tooth brush and shipped us off to our aunts house. Ever since then my aunts house is the place I’ve always gone. She’s given me some sort of security. My mom is and always will be my best friend, but for a while she was my worst enemy. I resented her, I resented her for leaving my family. for doing this to me. I resented her for deciding one day that the life she had wasn’t good enough. I now realize that there’s nothing I could have ever possibly done about it. She wouldn’t change her mind, and who was I to try and stop her. Even now at 17 years old, I can’t influence her decision. I never will be able to. But not being able to change my moms life, hurts my life.
When I was about 16, I cut myself. Not too bad, not bad enough to damage myself. But I still cut, I did it in the shower. I didn’t though, get in the shower intending to do it. That’s something that I’ve realized, I never have the intentions to do anything that I do. Cutting myself was my escape. Focusing the pain on the outside to heal the pain on the inside. I felt every time I cut deeper my skin was lighter. I cut and I felt better, it felt better to be able to control the pain. On the inside I can’t control it. The pain comes and goes, most of the time at the most inconvenient times. I’ll never be able to get over the pain. All I want is to be heard by someone, I want to know that I’m not the only one suffering. I want someone to notice me.