Saturation

I would not categorize my self as depressed, but as an angry, lost, and weak individual. I’ll start my story in the year 1986. My father and mother have meet, fell in love and decided to get married. My father’s family was against it due to social, culture, and financial difference. But my father went and got married anyway, Romantic you might think? But it’s not. My mother had so much shit from his family and here family [they refused to help and just got money]. And my father did not do anything but stood in the corner and did nothing. He was, he is selfish.

Speeding up to the year 1994, I was born. I’ll start with the first couple of memorized I had. My father family and he was always telling me that I looked like my mother and that they wished that I was a boy. My mother family did not really pay attention to me. My grandmother would just take money from my mother and disappear. I remember vividly my 7th birthday; my aunt took me to the side and told me that she hated my mother for what she did to her and that she will leave the country and marry the man she likes and never come back. She told me to go and tell this to my mother. WHO says that, what kind of a person tells a 7 year old child to do this? What person was she??????

I was a very angry and rebellion child. most of the time I would not listen to my mother. I would sit at the back of the class collect pokemon cards and never care about the class. The girls at the class used to laugh at me and don’t talk to me. My mother used to ground me a lot. I would not say around 4 times a month or more. She always told me “Why are you not like your sister, why don’t you study, why don’t you get good grades??? Why why why why ”

At the age of 12 I said that I wished to be a doctor [because I secretly heard my mother say that she wished someone of her children is a doctor]. I remember when I told my family over dinner for the first time they all laughed and made a joke about how I don’t study and want to get to medical school.

I remember that my mother used to not all us to use the internet. So I used to secretly use it. when she found out she broke my laptop. I still feel hurt as I loved that laptop. I really loved it. I swore after that I was never going to love any one of my family because they are all ass holes and selfish.

One time my mother kicked me out of my room because I did not clean it and let me sleep in a small kitchen tell I learned my lesson [that was 1 week].

anyway, I was upset and I was going to show them that I can get into medical schools. I worked hard in school. Really hard. was the 4th on my class for 4 years. my grades where all A-, A. I was happy1! by grade 10 my mother told me that she is moving me to another school. I did not like the idea at all. Change schools in the last 2 years thats just killing everything. But what I did not know is that my mother told me that I wont go to medical school.

*Because we don’t have good medical schools in my country that will offer you only governmental job. We had to study outside. and my mother just said NO’

New school, no medical school but a cheap ass governmental collage. I was crashed. I did not like it at all my grades dropped and I graduate with a B+. The funny thing is that my brother after me changing schools went to the US to study. I argued with my mother she said that he was in a British system and that’s the only way he can study.

I hated, but I still hate the university I got to. I get into as a computer engineering but changed to biology after a semester. because I was still hopping I would get into medical school. I got upset and hated it, I hated teachers, I never understood anything my GPA was, and still is SHIT [2.5]. on the age of 17th on my birthday I found out my older brother with the most disgusting way that he was gay and having a relation with someone. I don’t have a problem with gay people but the way and time I found out was so disgusting I still hate him for it. And the other reason is that he blamed him being gay on me. that I made him go gay [what a bullshit argument].

my GPA was going down, I hate my life and I hate everything. no medical school, everyone was right I was a loser. a year later my father was abusing my mother. I was the only one who stood in front of him and actually punched him. I hated, will I still hate my self for it.

at the age of 19 I invented a medical machine and got my chance of media exposure. I went with the university to conferences that I won for going a competition. last week I graduated from the carbon ambassador program. I made something but I was still not happy. It’s my last year in this hell university. My GPA is still bad and I still hate it, I’m not happy my mother says I’m not doing anything with my life. and thats all because I’m not prayer or being religious as she is. my younger brother gets shit grades [60s and 70] and he has phone, xbox and everything he wishes for. My mother loves him and never give him hard time. She cleans his room and he 15 years old. why not me??? my older brother she treat him like a king he goes out with his friends all the time. When I go out she counts it on me and then blame me for going out a lot???? whats wrong with her??????

I’m lost, I’m angry, I dream of sick ways I can kill people, I dream I wish to hit people in the face. I hate people, I hate life, I don’t get it ? I fear I’ll stay alone, I fear that no one likes me, I fear that I wont work after graduation, I feel I’ll forever have money problems. I fear life, I fear future. I’m lost and my brain can thing of new ways to change my life around. I’m tired and can’t think of anything. I want to sleep and listen to music and think of nothing.