You think you’re miserable? You can’t even fathom my misery. You remember every bad thing I ever did to you. How quickly you forget. The things you said and did to me. You know, we could spare each other all this pain.
I know I can change, how about you? Can you spare me all your fucking lies! And all I ask is to talk to you again. But you don’t seem to want to. I wish I could take a walk with you. I would show you all my pain. You took everything I had from me. I can’t wait…to get away.
Will it help?
Probably not. But still I just feel like I need to get away. A place away from here.
Maybe the ocean. I lay down and feel the mist on my face. I want to go there with our son, the only lasting good that came from you and I. It helps me become sane again. Bad thoughts are banished, and for a minute I can breathe again. I can remember when, you really did care about me. I can’t remember what I did to make you hate me so much. Did it matter? I can’t seem to let you go.
All these thoughts sicken me, and for a minute I can’t swallow. If you think that I’m the one who’ll still be here, then come tomorrow. In time…I’ll be here no longer. Not waiting, not waiting for you anymore. I still love you… no matter what’s happened I love you anyway. Is it so strange, that I’ve been walking with the dead? I feel so conflicted.
I love you. I miss you.
I hate you *****.
And thanks to you, I’ve been living with my parents for the last year. My mother has been in one of her “moods.” If this mental illness really does have a genetic component, then I’m pretty sure I got it from her. Anyway, she’s mad at me for sleeping so much. Hey, what can I say – I am sleeping a lot. That’s what depressed people do. I’m not proud of myself, I feel hopeless and find no pleasure in anything. Can’t motivate myself. Go to court next week on the divorce. We’ll either agree to a settlement or have a trial – then I can finally get the hell out of here. This has dragged on for long enough.