Stuff.

I’d like to take a moment to explain why those who share their suicidal intent with others will be unable to kill themselves, if they’re unable to kill themselves. That’s not really saying anything put like that, but what is given is advice to what i believe could be the majority of those who get themselves stuck in a hole, unwanting to live, unable to kill themselves, there are always outliers though, -real- psychopaths and what have you…
Anyways, as the saying goes: “those who share their suicidal intent with others are REALLY just crying out in a desperate plea for help, even if they say they aren’t”…This is our asshole society’s judgmental view of it, as always, and is quite a poor way of explaining what can really happen. Say, you share your suicidal intent with someone, socially, it doesn’t have to be for any reason in particular, someone just ends up asking you “how are you?” (which happens virtually every other fucking conversation ever…) and you decide to answer as brutally honest as you can. Although some are taken aback and would avoid you afterwards, many people share empathy for another sharing their feelings like this, and would try and support them however possible. Say you develop a relationship (friendship) with this caring, empathetic person, as would be ever so likely…should you try to kill yourself, you suddenly feel obliged to say goodbye, or atleast ‘thank you anyways’ towards whoever this person is…if you went out and realized you could gain support from confessing your suicidal ideologies with others, then you might have two or three people now, that you feel ever so obliged to say your goodbyes to, at the very least…
Soon you can find yourself quite stuck…if they themselves don’t help you out, or possibly bail you out in real life, and you end up in a hospital, then even just the inability to say goodbye to two or three people at once can leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting, until you don’t even decide to kill yourself anymore…Also, without even knowing it, sharing these negative feelings, and getting support, may very well lead towards reinforcing these negative emotions!…The very people trying to help you can just as quickly become those that hurt you, because they help you for the wrong reasons…
So what is there to do? You’re a suicidal person who needs a way to cope, and do so through sharing with others? You can’t just lie about it and hide it from everyone, because that would reinforce it–I mean, let it build up too much, wouldn’t it?…Well I’m not so sure about that last bit…the nature of lying, in and of itself, is to show enough desire for something to be willing to stake your reputation in having others believe said lie…and this becomes ever more true with depression, since it’s only a disease of the mind: you aren’t lying about having a ferrari, you’re lying about what kind of person you are, and if you stake your reputation to uphold a virtue you don’t quite have yet…you very well could end up holding up to your lie, even if it doesn’t seem reasonable, rational, even if you won’t believe you can, not one bit…I guess this is my version of the ‘fake it till you make it’ ideology, as poorly explained by it’s wording as the previous catchall.
So what’s the takeaway from all this? Hear ye: if you’ve been sharing your feelings with everyone, and they aren’t making you feel any better, or possibly worse even, then stop! Outright lying about your depression to everyone and everything can be just as effective a tool as sharing your depression with others, in either spectrum, it just depends on what kind of person you are…If you havn’t tried one, or the other, for any period of time, then I’d suggest trying so, to see if it gives the desired result.
As for myself, and why I’m writing this ridiculous post, I’ve come to a crossroads…I keep sharing my depression with friends online when it breaks through, out of weakness more than choice, and it keeps giving me awful results, pushing caring people out of my life, more often than not…I’ve truely wanted to kill myself, for a large majority of the past two weeks, and I’m so sick and tired of the way I’m doing things that I’ve decided to kill myself this very day, to kill who i am, what i am…When I wake, I won’t be suicidal anymore, I’ll never have been suicidal in the first place, I won’t have ever written a post on a site called suicideproject, I won’t even know what that is, if you ask me I’ll look concerned and ask “that isn’t a site for assisted suicides is it? maybe you should get help…”. I’ll join the rest of the world in living a complete lie, no longer being myself, to anybody, not even my parents, god forbid they have to put up with a suicidal son at their old age… Why though? How could that be worth it? Because it works both ways: if my real persona, the one that thinks about killing itself these past two weeks, can still seep through…me…after I’ve done nothing but starve it of all interaction with people whatsoever…if for some godawful reason I still want to kill myself at the end of the day, and that overtakes my will to lie, to live and pursue happiness, and I really do decide to kill myself again?…
…..I’ll actually be able to do it, because for once in my life, I won’t feel sorry for leaving anybody, the person everybody will know, will not be me…It will be a shadow of my former self, I’ll already be ‘dead inside’…I won’t have anybody to say goodbye to, because the disgusting person who wants to kill itself wouldn’t have befriended those people, someone else would have…that lie I’m going to live the rest of my life would have.
It’s a win win situation for once, I’m just sick of being stuck in a hole I guess, I’ve got places to go, things to do, or at the very least, a world to say goodbye to, instead of people I’ve done nothing more than feed off the sympathy of…..You’d be amazed how hard it is to make decisions, when your directive is ‘keep all your options always open’, and you’re thinking about both killing yourself, and leading a successful life with everything you’ve ever wished….
Anyways, this is the last chance I’ll get to write on here, either way, just thought it might help someone. ‘I’ll’ be dead the second I wake up…
Maybe this is just what they call ‘growing up’ 😛 I dunno, who cares…
I’ll miss this site, and you guys, you’ve fed my negative self just enough attention to linger on at the edge of a shotgun barrel…for what…going on a dozen attempts now? No matter.
Goodbye suicide project. Hello cruel world.