Nothing is safe in this world least of all the internet but hre I am anyway b/c I’m so tired of doing this. I wake up exhausted every day and in hell. I have a meds appt. today and as usual will have to take two buses and deal with the shit-tastic city and the triggers. I am running out of steam. It’s hard to do anything with this level of ptsd and my T doesn’t want to know about how bad I feel. My apt. is so cold due to being built above the ground that it made me physically ill this winter, I swear the cold inside of me is affecting me deeply. It is getting harder to be alive. To have to wake up and push his voice out, the fb’s and still deal with the voices is slowly killing me. I definitely think God is a fucking asshole to permit this torture and can go fuck Himself, or Herself, anytime they like. The Christian religion is a true killer. I never got any joy out of it, and it’s like they are all just deep liars, b/c Christ doesn’t fucking heal anybody. At all. I have bad depression and living here in this state is sheer hell. The more I wait the worse it gets. All my comfort is gone, the safe refuge, the animal, and the priest, and nothing has taken its place. There is no family to rely on, and due to the csa I don’t bond with people well to say the least, friends leave or have too many problems or trigger me. I wake up in hell wanting so badly to leave seeing only dark desperate choices, my brain is really not meant for the torturous reality that is America, I find it ironic the one month I had elsewhere was wonderful, further proof that God hates me. I would love to move there, all I do is procrastinate, how to not talk yourself out of it, but then reality sets in, what is the proof, I can’t reveal to anyone how bad it is for me, nobody wants to know ,and living here on this junk has almost killed me. The unbearable noisy neighbor who may come again (I pray not) is a further unbearable trigger for a mind already ground down from years of trauma and this shit. This is not a life but a bad cruel joke. I want to die. I don’t know how to live. I am not allowed to live. I can’t take anymore of this shit. Why can’t something get better.