Nothing is safe in this world least of all the internet but hre I am anyway b/c I’m so tired of doing this. I wake up exhausted every day and in hell. I have a meds appt. today and as usual will have to take two buses and deal with the shit-tastic city and the triggers. I am running out of steam. It’s hard to do anything with this level of ptsd and my T doesn’t want to know about how bad I feel. My apt. is so cold due to being built above the ground that it made me physically ill this winter, I swear the cold inside of me is affecting me deeply. It is getting harder to be alive. To have to wake up and push his voice out, the fb’s and still deal with the voices is slowly killing me. I definitely think God is a fucking asshole to permit this torture and can go fuck Himself, or Herself, anytime they like. The Christian religion is a true killer. I never got any joy out of it, and it’s like they are all just deep liars, b/c Christ doesn’t fucking heal anybody. At all. I have bad depression and living here in this state is sheer hell. The more I wait the worse it gets. All my comfort is gone, the safe refuge, the animal, and the priest, and nothing has taken its place. There is no family to rely on, and due to the csa I don’t bond with people well to say the least, friends leave or have too many problems or trigger me. I wake up in hell wanting so badly to leave seeing only dark desperate choices, my brain is really not meant for the torturous reality that is America, I find it ironic the one month I had elsewhere was wonderful, further proof that God hates me. I would love to move there, all I do is procrastinate, how to not talk yourself out of it, but then reality sets in, what is the proof, I can’t reveal to anyone how bad it is for me, nobody wants to know ,and living here on this junk has almost killed me. The unbearable noisy neighbor who may come again (I pray not) is a further unbearable trigger for a mind already ground down from years of trauma and this shit. This is not a life but a bad cruel joke. I want to die. I don’t know how to live. I am not allowed to live. I can’t take anymore of this shit. Why can’t something get better.
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I can’t remember the last time I woke up and felt rested. Doesn’t matter how much or how little sleep I get. I’m an atheist, so I tend to agree with your rants against christ (I think it has great potential for great harm). That being said, its not like my view offers comfort…
You have a friend here.
Thank you b/c I’m tired. I got meds. I’m lying on my couch wishing I could just not do this, but I do, so exhausted, wanting sleep. I feel for you there, deeply. I want to cry, but can’t. I go on and on thru this. I don’t see a life. What I go thru in terms of being a woman in this society as an incest survivor still living close to her abuser is something no one wants to hear. Think too much, feel too much, feel like a lab rat being experimented on. Little to no relief .Seems to me it is all a bad joke unless you are rich and/or were born into a good family. Trauma is not funny business. Do we just get one shot at things? I’m done with the inequity and cruelty. What I see out there in this day and age in this country is not pretty. Would kill to move. My only last hope to live. Hard to do it alone in this condition in these circumstances. Have been left entirely alone. So be it. The only people who truly care are online. People are shit, selfish. I send you good thoughts. I would kill for sleep, real sleep. Refreshing rest. And to feel SAFE.
I want to hear. Not everything has to be fun or funny.
You are safe here. I wish I had more to offer other than my eyes, ears and words.
Incest changes one’s life. I always question the flashbacks because if I accept them it will become truth. And the truth is too much. It makes life hell. I don’t have much to offer but I know how life can become a dark ugly place. Sorry for your hell
Thank you both. I feel lost. I have trouble sometimes leaving my apt. I have terrible abandonment fears. I am always struggling, I carry heavy guilt about people, not being able to bond with them, getting angry, feeling it is all my fault I deserve what I get, terrified to lose what little I have. I couldn’t take the bus out today b/c I didn’t want to lose my online friend, so I cleaned and felt like I was going crazy. I have to be in total control at all times or I don’t feel safe. I have no way to escape here on the weekend due to the bus. I’m going mad. The only good is thing is the klonopin but they want to start me on clonidine and i’m scared to take it, meds terrify me. i feel so alone, lost, abused, abandoned, terrified, discouraged, and like I am never going to get out of this dark place. ive got to mail something and it is my only hope now. to get out of this place. im going insane, i feel like everything is attacking me even the furniture, why do i have the worst of the worst. its not good. and its pointless, hopeless, im so tired of seeing all he took from me the fucker and his sick grin thinking im the crazy one may god punish him eternally but god is just a rotten ************ who tortures children in hell and sicks demons them, fuck god too. fuck him.