There is chaos in my heart

I know why I chose him, why I loved him so much more than myself. He was everything I wanted, because he was everything I wasn’t. Then I realized that I didn’t want to be like him and I didn’t want him anymore. I spent more than half my life trying to figure out a way to end it. Now that I am 24 and have been through things I still can’t believe I survived I appreciate life. I fear death and I hate myself every time I waste a second or a minute feeling negative or depressed because it’s a minute of my life I can’t get back to use for something good. I am going to die and I can’t prevent that, I am going to disappear. The key to happiness is to be vulnerable to love and believe in good things despite your fears. Pain isn’t meant to consume you but to give you more appreciation for life when its painless. I am insecure about myself and I feel depressed about life most times. I miss things I shouldn’t and dwell on the past instead of focusing on the present. I still choose horrible people to start some type of relationship with but I’m trying. I think if I were dying that I would be ok with the fact that at least I was trying to better my life some how.