Let me start by saying that overall I had a good childhood I alone am to blame for my current situation. My parents were very strict on me when I was young and my father in particular wanted me to play football. He always was disappointed in me. He never thought I was man enough calling me names and cursing at me even though I tried so hard.
My younger brother was his favorite and he did nothing to earn it. He never had to toughen up or try out for football or any of that stuff. My father loved him unconditionally.
Fast forward about ten years and my father got diagnosed with brain cancer. He had been easy to live with for the last few years and I actually had a decent relationship with him. The cancer and subsequent treatments changed him and made him angry and even violent at times. I remember having to defend my mother and younger siblings from him on multiple occasions.
I was relieved when he died. I have been empty ever since. I have destroyed every relationship ive ever had, paid for sex, nothing i have done makes me feel anything at all. I feel like there is only one option left for me.