Turning grey into nothing

It’s time.

I’ve spun around in circles, I’ve tried every known cantrip and trick known to man. I’ve talked with specialists and munched on pills for the better part of a year. The result? A big fat naught.

Nearly twenty years ago a snotty kid at the kindergarden screamed that he’d kill himself, when he got angry. He didn’t not at that time no. Years rolled the kid grew and experienced what can only be described as crippling fear all the way to his teenage years. By then everything had been molten into one gray sheet pulled over the window of life. Suicidal thoughts hung heavy in the kid’s mind, his parents didn’t help nor did his brother. Grey days rolled by one by one, by one. The kid even attempted suicide, but his hands were too short and the trigger of the shotgun too far. Weeks, months, years went by with nothing but huddling in a corner and being too afraid to go out. Too afraid to move, to break free. Then came the military. The kid didn’t stand a chance in there. Every step he took was held back and anchored behind him by his past. With no room for himself the kid couldn’t calm himself down, he didn’t have the room to repair the mask that hid everything he’d packed behind the deadpan wall of a face. The kid broke into to tears. Cried for two days and was booted out of the military and into the hands of the ‘doctors’ and psychiatrics. Half a year of therapy only served to rebuild the kid’s mask and give him the opportunity to barely score himself into university.

“This is it. Now my life begins anew! This is the chance I needed.” Thought the kid so little did he know in the end. A past that hangs like a ball and a chain from your neck doesn’t just fall off when you move to a city and pretend you’re a young adult now. The kid didn’t manage at parties, he was a social joke and was soon withdrew from all his contacts, no partying, no fun, no friends. Just the kid and the computer screen that cast it’s dim silver glow onto a small room the kid called his home now. Home that was as empty as his life and heart. But the kid didn’t pay attention he wanted to be something so badly. Despite his escaping onto the virtual world the kid still had ambitions, dreams and he even tried to follow them. Game projects, group projects even a hasty trip into an artschool. But these dreams started unravelling from their seams when the kid couldn’t cope with the stress, constant failures and most of all his inability to improve. The kid himself knew now that a lot of things were wrong by this point and decided that he had to fix what was broken inside before his life could be spun about and turned from nightmare into a dream come true. Maybe the kid could even have a girlfriend? Who knew?

Dreams, hopes and the like are one thing. Fantasies and impossibilities are entirely another. You can’t fix what wasn’t there to begin with, you can’t rebuild when you don’t know what it was in the first place. All the kid could do was pretend, pretend as hard as he could that the problem was now fixed. So convinced was the kid of his own recovery that even the doctors were taken in by the ruse. Yet reality is anything if not cruel. Even as the kid fought on to convince that everything was alright, a heavy shadow hung all around him, slowly engulfing him ever deeper into a nightmare. “So what? I’ll manage and make do with what I have!” Shouted the kid at the shadows. “I’ve been through worse and I have…” The kid’s voice trailed off as he looked around himself. “…friends?” His home was replaced by the same place he’d been abused in his childhood. His surroundings were devoid of any life, every friend the kid thought he had, wasn’t there. No one was there but the people the kid had wowed not to place his trust on. People that were partly responsible for everything, parents.

The kid had graduated before he had noticed it. He moved from an empty life into something truly lonely. Something that only life can show you. A place and time where you realize your golden childhood is gone, your teenage years wasted away, your military career ruined, your game creator dream gone and burnt out, your university years the years everyone shouts are the best years in everyone’s life are gone. All the kid saw was the emptiness of his life arround himself he had failed. He was alone, out of money, out of hope and dreams, out of a future.

Yet fret not my little kid. The prediction you made nearly twenty years ago about killing yourself is about to come true. The shotgun that was once a massive piece of metal you were barely able to move, is now a twig compared to you. The grey sheets are about to fall with one fireball, one pull and one motion. Then there will be nothing left.

No pain, nor gain. No nothing

We’ve come a full circle now, haven’t we kid?
Let’s leave together now, leave everything

I love you kid, you know that right?