I can’t really suicide me because of the consequences it would have on my family, but I think about doing it about twice a day. I am 26, male.
I had a happy and funny life, it was about to get even better. Then I screwed and turned it into a hell, all by my hands. I got plenty of advice and warnings, but I couldn’t stop me from doing a long chain of mistakes and freak out. Now I calmed down but in the last 6 weeks I pushed away a girl I loved, ruined my family’s happiness and made my father get depressed too, weakened some friendships, spoiled my position at work.
I can deal with anxiety and depression, but I can’t deal with the damage I caused to my life because of my stupidity and my weakness. Strange thing I thought to be stronger than this. I fought anxiety and depression two years ago and I was doing very well, I thought it would have never caught me again because I was prepared. Bullshit, I freaked out ten times more and did many mistakes I knew in advance they were mistakes, how stupid am I?
I miss the girl so bad I am obsessed with the thought of her, I can barely enjoy the time spent with my friends cause they saw me “a little strange” lately, at home it looks like a dramatic movie about depressed people, at work people treat me a little like I am disabled since they saw “a little strange” too. Even if I go to the gym I can’t escape because twice a week also the girl trains in my box (I could never get her back since they labelled “mentally ill”, I don’t blame her), furthermore she’s getting along with one of my closest friends (again I absolutely don’t blame her or him, I am the bad guy here).
All because I got anxious about screwing up, anxious about sex. I started to talk too much about my anxiety to the girl, to some of my friends, and to my father. Every time I talked about it, anxiety raised, and still I continued to talk to people while I knew it would have been better to keep things for me. I’ve been in and off medication, I saw a lot of therapists (about 5, really too many, it convinced to be seriously mentally ill) and I am currently following one.
Right now I live in the constant pain of how happy my life could have been if I avoided some simple mistakes, easily avoidable. Instead, I can’t live a moment without obsessing me with self-blame while pretending to be happy in front of everyone. There is nothing I do I really enjoy, since I associate everything with bad thoughts. I regaining sleep and appetite but I can’t regain sex drive at all.
I feel so stupid and I don’t feel allowed to suicide, I think it would be a waste to end what remains of my life, because it isn’t as bad as many others I read here. I would rather donate it to someone else. I often wish I die by accident of natural causes, in fact I barely fear dangerous things from the outside. I fear what’s inside me. I fear that I think again I can handle anxiety but if it get me again I would lose control again, and it could happen every when in the future.
I always say to myself that I am huge loser, and it makes me feel even worse.