Anxiety is the unwelcome guest within my mind. Nay, not a guest, but the unwelcome demon that inhabits the depths of my being, not just my mind. It captures my whole body in its icy tendrils that are mistaken for its hands, it slams loud noises and makes me jump, it causes me to sweat and shiver at the same time. My heart races faster than a horse at the Kentucky Derby finish line, causes my hands to shake more than the milkshakes that bring the boys to the yard, and forces my brain to whirl in a fashion not unlike the Tasmanian Devil from my childhood cartoon days.
Why am I so fucking anxious? Because I made the mistake of sending some… provocative photos to a friend of mine whom I vaguely like. And now he’s asking, on his one rare day off from work, to hang out with him. He insists we’ll be going to a gaming store, or to a book store – both of which are places we adore – but I am too nervous to be around him now. I sent the photos in a spur of the moment “let’s do this,” kinda thing, and I entirely regret it now. Not sure what to do, what to tell him. I ditch him almost every time he asks me to hang out, and purely because of anxiety.
This isn’t my first time in the ballpark of having sent risque photos to someone, but to send them to someone and then to have them ask me the next day to hang out, is frightening. What does he think of me now? What was *I* thinking when I took them, and sent them? Why did I do that? I don’t even like sex, I hate the idea of guys masturbating to my photos. So why did I do it?
I think maybe I did it out of desperation, a weird moment of confidence with myself, of desperately seeking validation as to who I am, and that I could be seen as attractive. Which, again, is silly, considering I identify as asexual and not wanting sex or anything to do with it at all, ever. Really.
So, I’m avoiding his texts, and playing evasive, and being clueless. And I tell him I like him, but I am nervous. He has anxiety, surely he’ll understand? I know where he wants our friendship to go, how he’d like us to evolve. I vaguely want that to. I think. I don’t even know anymore. What do I say? How can I keep doing this to people, to myself? It’s so exhausting I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like that’s my common phrase these days, “I don’t know.” It’s getting tiring. I’m so anxious, so tired of being anxious. Anxiety is a *****.