Can’t go back, can’t move forward

I’m so close. Once this morning, I don’t know how close but it was this weird split state of a happy dreamland – very nondistinct, I would describe it as fairies, la-la land but there weren’t an any actual images, just a state of being – and another part of me just instinctively knowing something is wrong and my body trying to untie the knot. My body won.

Once my body won and I came back to this reality, I immediately threw the rope (bathrobe belt) back into my packed up things and crawled into bed. My neck hurt a lot.

But the thing is… I don’t want to live. My body wants to live so badly though and it’s annoying. I tried again… I solved the problem of “unconscious” hands undoing everything but… I’m screwed because I can feel everything coming to a slow, a stop and I’m paranoid that the split-body-consciousness will feel all the tremendous pain while the parallel happy state occurs and that’s just a little too scary.

But I actually have nothing to live for anymore. I killed my whole identity in an instant (well, series of instances in a short time frame) and now I have absolutely nothing. A cool past that I worked so hard on that I threw away because… NO GOOD REASON.

Someone wrote he/she is no longer clinically depressed or anxious, just “woke up” to all the good things they ruined out of fear and I did the same. I thought I was doing it out of trust but I was just being immature, irresponsible, impulsive and I’ve said too many different things to too many people now that I cannot bear to go back to any of it because I talk a big game and act nothing…

I need rest. Will probably try again in an hour or two. I’m not suicidal. I’m trapped.