I’m so devastated. Every day is just sadness. I live in constant terrible regret. Because I was a coward and couldn’t kill myself the guranteed ways, i live in constant physical pain. I can’t walk and run, my right leg is paralysed and left is nerve damaged. I used to love running. Even though I have always hated myself and suffered from depression, i trained and had a body to be envied. Now, its like ive woken up inside a nightmare, life doesn’t even feel real. Im just so sad. And it’s all my fault. No one else, just me. Suffering. Seeing doctors, specialists but just for the intense pain in my leg. I will never be fixed, I will never be pain free, i will never be happy. Because I lost the few things in my life that I enjoyed. They can’t stop the pain. Im hurting so much. I’m so sad, I feel like I’m not meant to be and that I’ve wasted whatever i had. Im hurting so much. Terrible terrible regret-every minute of the day. And embarrassment and shame. All I’ve done is hurt people. I feel so bad about that, I never wanted to hurt others. This is all way beyond what I can handle. Im just so full of sadness and regret…
Though recently I have found some hope. For the first time in a looooong time I feel a sense of control. I wish I had known about this sooner. I could have avoided this whole mess. I know I can’t fix my legs… but… now that I have the tools, I can fix my mind. Heck… I even cracked a smile for the first time in months. Believe. It gets better. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Learn from my mistake instead, so you don’t have to go through what I put myself and my family through.
4 comments
I had a similar experience only with my arm. Broke my humerous, completely shattered my elbow, and broke both the bones in my forearm in several places. Had to be completely rebuilt surgically and have an artificial elbow now. Happened 3 years ago, still hurts pretty bad a lot of days although nowhere near the pain level of when I broke it. It’s a constant reminder of my stupidity. I guess I’m lucky it’s my arm and not my leg. I have very little strength in it, but I guess I’m lucky it bends as well as it does. Sounds like you have a good attitude about it now which is something you should be very proud of. We all do stupid things, we just have to learn to forgive ourselves (that’s the hard part). Hope you keep getting stronger and wish you the best of luck.
How did you try and kill yourself?
How did you try and kill yourself? Did you jump off of a building or something?
I’m sorry to hear about your suffering. We all make mistakes. I had a work accident that has left me dealing with 24/7 chronic pain for the past 20 years. My boss gave me a heavy-lifting task, something that I knew was unsafe and could possibly lead to injury. I protested at first and he told me if I wanted to keep my job that I would do what he said to do. My mistake. I ended up ruining my back and my life has been miserable ever since. No job is worth ruining your health over. Yes, I do have some happy moments once in a while, but the chronic pain has a way of tainting even those moments.
I’m glad you have some hope now. Thank you for sharing your experience. Hopefully it will help many people. Good luck.