I have tried to hang in there as long as I could. Waited and waited for the only thing that could save me. But she (and them) chose to let me be. She didn’t find it in her heart to save the man that used to be her entire world. The man who did everything for her (and them) for 5 1/2 years. No, that must have never happened. Our relationship must have never existed. I, therefore, never existed.
It must be a heavy burden to carry. Being the one thing that can save a human life. And yet, when faced with the same choice in the past, you chose to save me. Again and again. Maybe you did it because you didn’t really know how dangerously close you were to losing me forever.
Yet now that you know, you are choosing to allow me to die. You know that I won’t make it. You know that without you I have no chance. Any little tiny part of you would be enough to save me. Even if it was out of pity. Even if it was fake. Even the slightest of gestures could have saved me. Maybe not forever, but at least until later.
But your choice is perfectly clear. You choose your perfect little life and your convenience over saving me. Over saving a human life. And more importantly the life of the man who once was your one and only love. The man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. The man you said saved your own life when he was faced with the same choice. He chose you over everything else.
As I get ready to exit, I just want to say that I forgive you. While I don’t understand (or agree) with your decision, I still have nothing in my heart for you (and the kids) other than love. Pure, unconditional love. For eternity. Please take good care of yourself and the kids. And maybe one day you will shed a tear for your fallen ex-fiancé. The man that loved you with his entire heart.
I love you all very much. The end of the road. So long.
4 comments
Your kids, they need a dad. They need a man to be strong for them. You can’t put your kids through the pain of loosing their Dad.
You aren’t done here yet, you have a reason to live, a reason to get up everyday, to be you. You are granted with kids, beautiful little kids that will grow up looking like you, being like you, sounding, acting, loving like you. They can’t have that if you leave now. Its too late, you’ve already left your imprint on the world. This universe isn’t done with you yet. You are needed to nurture your children. To teach them what is wrong and right. To teach them to trust and love eachother when times are tough.
This woman and you had your problems. You had a bump in the road. As shitty as it is, it’s time to move on. She would care if you died. If she said she didn’t, she’s lying. You have something with here – children. She will be reminded of you everytime she looks at those kids, she will think of how they don’t have a dad anymore, and how she wishes she could change back the time. I know you still love her, so why would you make her go through the pain of loosing who was once her one and only love, the man she chose to have children with. You can’t leave them, and you can’t leave her.
Believe it or not, you have a broken family, and you can’t leave that family behind.
Please tell me that you are not about to end your life.
I lost my dad suddenly, (but not from suicide) and let me tell you: If those are your kids (bio or not) they will be broken if you end your life.
You don’t get a reset button when you die, you can’t come back from that.
I read this post yesterday WL and I didn’t really know what to say. I’ve been checking since then and haven’t seen any more posts by you. Just wondered if you’re still out there and hoping you’re okay. I haven’t been going to AA meetings lately, but I have been sober for the last 15 months. In AA, I always feel bad when someone starts drinking again. Suicide is a whole lot more serious than drinking, but even though you’ve been suffering it gives me a measure of strength to know you’re still fighting. I hope you’re out there and see this, and I just wanted you to know that.
Hey! I saw a post when I found this site today! It was one of yours, and I felt so drawn to it that I had to reply. I couldn’t find the one I read first after I went through registering, so I tried to remember your user name and eventually came to a list of your posts. Is it too late? I hope not. Are you still out there? Please respond if you are, I think I have something to share that might help or comfort you! I hope you’re still out there-you’re not a loser!!!