I just got out of the mental ward two days ago for downing thirty pills.but no one took that seriously so i was only there four days and one day in the er.today i find out that a guy i liked in high school is in the icu on breathing tubes cause he tried to kill himself and odd as it sounds i wish it could have been me.i wish i could be on breathing tubes dying.no one cared about my flawed attempt cause im a regular at the er if i was dying maybe someone would seriously help me but because i make flimsy attempts no one cares.i want to jump of the bridge near here but i don’t have the guts to jump all i do is overdose and save myself by going to the er.and what for they just send me home afterwards.its annoying failing but i cant live either.i want a boyfriend but i worry hell want a kid and ill be a horrible mother and hurt my kid.i want to go to college but i dont have motivation to go all the way,in other words ill drop out.i want to be happy but i constantly fear people dying and leaving me.its why im trying to het off this planet before something seriously goes wrong and I cant escape it.my mom doesn’t want me to try again but shes not in my shoes or she would put the gun yo her own head and pull the trigger
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I hear a lot of pain in your post. 🙁 You’ve tried to kill yourself but haven’t and no one hears your cries of help. 🙁 You would rather be that guy who is dying, 🙁 Your family doesn’t take your seriously and that hurts. No one is listening.
I hear the pain of growing up feeling all of this. I hear your fears of your future and fears of wanting to die and being unable.
When I was growing up I had no one to turn to. I was afraid of my parents and I just ignored them. But I didn’t really know I was doing that. I just thought that was the way life was. It wasn’t an conscious choice. I just did it.
Maybe that is what is going on with you. You are floundering, you are fearful of your feelings and fearful of not having control of dying. You don’t see another way. This is just the way you have been shown or really not shown by the people in your life… they should be guiding you. Helping you make good choices but instead you feel like crap and you demonstrate that but no one is paying attention.
((((hugs)))) I would give you a hug if I was there. You deserve better. You are young. You are self-aware, where I was just this kid who did not know what was happening- you KNOW. THAT is a big advantage….
ADVANTAGE over me… the silence finally broke- in my head anyway. But I didn’t know why I felt so bad. I cried and cried for no reason. I was away from home, working a great job, traveling the country. WHY would I cry every Sat night?? It has taken me years and years to get to the point of knowing anything of the why and how to help me.
BUT
DISAVANTAGE – because you are young, and you are at home, home that is not listening to you, it is more painful. People are around but not there for you. Pain comes because you need your family but instead you just want to die to release the pain.
ADVANTAGE (ha, are we playing tennis?) You can start way earlier than me at learning what is going on, why you are going through your pain. You deserve to feel happy and the way you do that is you learn about you… what you want, why you feel as you do, what you need to do to feel differently.
ADVANTAGE (is this game point? 😉 ) You can seek other adults out if your family isn’t helping. A favorite teacher? Neighbor you trust? A friend’s mom or dad who will keep your confidence? (to discover that, talk to them about small issues or life in general to see if you can trust them).
ADVANTAGE (game point! ha ha it’s late) You have time. You already know you have wishes- college- there are people who could help you, support you to meet your goals through colleges or special programs for college students. Ask school guidance or college) In other words, you have time to figure that out.
You are young. You are smart. You communicate well. I know this is hard. VERY hard. And I wish it was as easy as writing here. It is not.
You have real struggles. I’m sorry you’re facing such pain and suffering. We are all connected through pain. And I hope your pain eases and you find other people who can help and support you.
Write more!