Every morning I wake up to the same old shit. Sometimes I just stay in bed after I’ve woken up, close my eyes, and try to force myself back to sleep. It used to be easier to pass the days, back when I read constantly, and socialized often, or had school work to do. But after a while I just stopped doing things and embraced total idleness. I hate what I’ve become. My personality, my interests, my passion has slowly rotted over the years, and has been replaced by nothing; I feel detached and numb. I know people can see it in me, too. You can’t hide a thing like that – at least, I can’t. I can’t fake emotions and blend in, I just don’t have it in me.
I’ve tried so hard to get better. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. “Just be more positive! Don’t overthink things!” Do they think I haven’t tried? Does it look like I’m enjoying this bleak, tortuous existence? My base instinct is to resort to self-destructive behaviour and cruel thoughts. I can’t justify it, I’m just a piece of shit right down to my core. I lie compulsively to get what I want, and I disregard the consequences of my actions. I squeeze all the use I can get out of people until they see me for what I am, and get away.
And now what? Buried in the rubble of my sins, I stumble through my days, awaiting the night, when I get to just go to sleep and temporarily escape from the inevitable horrors of life. When I eventually get out of bed in the morning, I take a shower. Pretty normal, right? Only, I have the water running really hot. It burns me, and I want to get out, or turn the temperature down, but I don’t. I let myself burn, because I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing at all. And those seem to be my only options.
The dawn never comes. It never gets any better, it just descends into darker territories I never knew existed. I am broken beyond repair, and I want to be put out of my misery.