Yesterday I tried to kill myself but the metal was so cold against my head. I had a fool proof plan that I was too weak to pull off. I got bullets. Got a gun. Cocked it. Held it to my temple and tears started to flow. I’m not strong enough to pull the trigger. Imma fckn loser.
I honestly wish I could disappear. Or I could pay someone else to off me. Clearly Imma failure and can’t do it myself. How much of an idiot do you have to be to fail at suicide?
Ive been lonely. So lonely. I want a husband. I wanna come home to somebody. I wanna wake up to somebody but I push ppl away. I ruin my own relationships with my crazy actions.
Nobody understands this pain.
I walk around with scars on my wrist from cutting myself. I wear long sleeves in the summer so no one will ask about it. I take razor blades from work. I’m really losing my mind.
19 comments
Your not alone, I understand that pain all to well.
I am sorry you feel so low. 🙁 I’ve wanted to go-last night- just this morning- this afternoon…. etc….
When I feel this pain, it hurts. The pain is a one way street with the only direction is down. It feels like the only way to end it is to end me. But I do not want my last moments to be of this pain.
I know loneliness too. I have no one either. It hurts to feel so separate from everyone and to need people/ a special guy who is not there. Depression keeps us in a shell that is hard to break out of and out into the world to meet others.
What I know is I will work to get better, to be able to join a meetup ** group or other activity to meet other people. I will concentrate on making casual friendships, where I might find deeper ones after time goes by. Or find another place to meet others…
You are not alone. Take a look at you. YOU are IMPORTANT and deserve to be happy. Start with that belief and work towards a better you.
** http://www.meetup.com/
I hear you…you just reminded me of my own loneliness and the stupid mistakes I made that kept me single and pushed women away.
I think we both can get what we want but we have to put some effort into it. I don’t know what hurdles you have, but there are many ways to meet men and it’s easier to pick up guys than girls.
Even consider traveling to places where people are friendlier. In my case I need to really get back into shape-I’m a mess right now-those few inches really do make a difference in a culture which pushes the idea of being hot and fit very hard on everyone.
Also if I might suggest-never let on about your depression or thoughts of suicide, at least when you get to know them initially, it’ll scare them off. When I was depressed, I met a very pretty girl at a club who also was depressed…the trouble was I realized I couldn’t help myself, how could I help her as well…so I didn’t bother hooking up with her though she gave me a chance….and this is coming from a guy who’s been single/alone for years.
I’ve decided that if I’m not going to end my life, then I’m going try to live it as fully as I can. There is no reason to go on living if one persists in the same misery and pain. But the key is to make a drastic change in your life to get what you want that you think will make you happy.
Without making a change, nothing will improve. I think I reached the point you are at today a few times. I didn’t attempt suicide but I did prepare-almost bought a helium tank for when I was ready to go. But then life started getting better for me so I set it aside. Death is always there if we really want it.
But since I believe this is the one and only life we ever get before we go back to being ‘non-living’, that some things are worth living for and experiencing, that’s why I’ve stuck around. But it won’t be for too long. Once I feel I’ve had my fill, then I will probably go-there’s many things I hate about life too and will be happy to leave behind. I’m in my 40s and have nothing to look forward to except old age and worsening health. So I’m going to try to make the best of the time I have left till it’s gone.
im sorry . I feel completely lonely and I feel im going to die alone. im 24 and I want to get cancer or something. have you tried altering your health? its an option but slow process. I don’t know what else. but we can talk. you are here for a reason hun. xox
What do you mean alter my health?
You and me are opposite. You have the gun, but not the balls to pull the trigger. I have the balls, but not the gun. I only want to end my life to escape this prison we call life. It’s literally a prison that controls how we think and how we live.
Well it’s not as easy as it seemed. I put the gun to my head and thought “what if this doesn’t work”
Damn man that sucks.But fuck i wish i had a gun it would be all over for me the second i grab it ;D
I guess some people have what they need but can’t do it.If only things were in order D:
I really don’t understand this. Finding someone is a lot easier for females than it is for males. You could probably just get someone from this group. Why wouldn’t you have a husband if you really want one? There’s so many guys that just want to have someone to call theres and get overlooked….. Also, that gun would be a lot more useful to me. I would use it within a matter of seconds.
It’s not really all that easy.
It’s still hard to find someone who truely cares or someone who would really love and listen.
They might just end up making you feel more alone and just leave you eventually.
Most guys would also take advantage if the other person is in a fragile state.
Someone from this group is also a pretty bad idea because they might have trouble with each other’s issues.
Nope, I don’t agree with that at all. I think it’s kinda easy to tell when someone really wants to care about you before you get into a relationship when you’re a girl. Most guys who respect girls just want someone who they can be a hero for, someone they can love and not worry about having to compete with others for and those guys are kinda easy to spot. Even in this group the loneliest ones are the guys. Guys saying they’ve never had a girlfriend in their life and they’re 26, guys saying all they want is someone to make happy and girls are always complaining about how they can’t find anyone to make them happy. I think girls a lot of times just look for the wrong type of guys and those guys hurt them. Some girls are just attracted to the feeling they get from unloyal guys. I’m sure almost any girl can find a guy they can be the world to right under their nose. Maybe that’s not what they want though. They usually want people that are going to hurt them. I’m not saying every girl is like this but most are. Guys even talk about it all of the time. It’s how guys play with a girl’s mind. Sometimes you can treat a girl well and she won’t value you at all. Then what are you supposed to do?
Also, dating someone from this group wouldn’t seem like much of a bad idea because then you’d be able to relate to someone better and you would most likely find it easier to open up to that person. That person is more likely able to accept your flaws because they have some of their own.
It’s not as easy, since a lot of people fake being kind and caring at first to get your attention or to take advantage of you when you fall for it.
Sure you can just get to know them more and later on see if they truly care and then move on and try again, but when you run into the same thing over and over it’s tiring and you end up not believing in people even if these are the ones who really do care.
Maybe i wouldn’t know because i’m not a girl, but i haven’t seen many guys who respect girls, most of them act as if they owe them something.
I can only say for sure i know one or two only guys who will really act with respect and care, if they ever find someone to be with.
Not only guys in this group are the lonely ones and even then just because it bothers them more or they post about it more doesn’t mean guys are the only ones with this problem and girls have it easy.
Sometimes girls do pick the wrong type, yes, but as i said it’s much easier for people to abuse someone in a fragile state and trick them and after that it’s harder to get away once you’re attached.
If a girl won’t value you when you treat her well, she’s not worth your trouble.
What you’re supposed to do is find someone who will, and not stick to ones who play with you.
It’s not a matter of gender.
Both guys and girls can play games or put you through a bad relationship and trick you into staying with them.
It’s equally hard for both, and the ‘good’ ones are harder to find, because the bad ones are ‘louder’ and more aggressively trying to attract you.
Dating someone from this group can go wrong in a lot of ways but i guess that’s true in any other case anyway.
But it doesn’t automatically mean it will be easier to open up to them or have them accept you for who you are.
Honestly, I’m glad you didn’t. This is a war and although it may seem impossible to win, it’s possible. You’re not a loser.
The way I tried to kill myself was stupid. It was with pills. I took a total of about 26 in about 2-4 nights. I didn’t want my aunt to suspect anything.
I know the feeling all too well . I have been in 3 failed relationships. I also tried to kill myself off more than once mostly out of depression and lonelness. It never gets easier. The best thing one can do is fake a smile and try to move on for those around you. My ways of coping are music, cutting, sex (on rare occasions), and art. Keeping myself distracted and focused on something other than the pain and bullshit I have suffered through in the past 20 years. Including being a victim of bullying, sexual assault, clinical depression etc. Is what pretty much keeps me going these days.
hope things get better for you!
dude I seriously need your gun
guns are illegal in my country, and I cannot provide any
Hey! If you want to maill me about your emotions you can do so at Tonikuusela@outlook.com
Im so sorry for you! I know much easier and painless ways to die then a bullet. Im just so sorry you have been pushed into that kind of a condition, that you just see no other way out!
So horrible!
If you’re going to kill yourself, put the gun in your mouth. That is much more effective than holding it to your temple. Keep in mind – I am NOT advocating suicide. It sounds like you have BPD (driving people away with crazy actions is a big sign). I don’t have any answers but it sounds like you need to talk to a professional. Soon.
Omg. I might. I died a little when I read the definition but that is so me. Never even thought about that.