falling apart

today is a dangerous day for me. my husband is currently out of the state. my therapists and shrink don’t work on fridays. not that i would reach out to them anyway. i am alone with my thoughts and my gun. today is not the day i had originally chosen, but what is the difference? it is not going to change things if i wait a few more days. my “funky” way of thinking is not going to be changed. i have tried to explain how this go around has been different than the others. but i don’t have the words. all i can say is that i started sinking last fall and still haven’t come out of it. but then again i haven’t not been depressed in some form for over 30 years. i have lost faith in meds. been on lots of them except for the very newest. talk therapy hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere. one step forward and three steps back. tried ect long time ago-didn’t work. memory loss. other than the extreme therapies -which insurance doesn’t cover, there doesn’t seem like there is much left.  hospitalization only amounts to a very expensive bandage over a enormous wound. i am not looking for sympathy. way too late for that. i just don’t know what to do with myself. the battle in my head over life and death is intense. just trying to stay functional takes a lot of energy. have to keep the facade up . afraid to let anyone get too close. afraid to let all the shit come out. and i don’t know how to let it go. my mind has developed very effective blocks to keep all the pain stuffed away from my conscious mind. survival at one time. now its killing me. one way or another i will be dead soon.