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This is my first time posting anything here, so I feel like I should introduce myself a bit. My name is Rae. I’m transgender, my preferred pronouns are his/him. I’m asexual and aromantic. I write sometimes, draw even less. I read a lot, though. I was going to go to college for psychology and philosophy, but I probably won’t make it that far. My favorite colors are white, gold, red, and black, in that order. I really love flowers and reptiles and am constantly torn between the two. Alright, this is just turning into me babbling about myself, but whatever.

Anyway, I found this site and kind of wanted to give it a shot while I was still around, y’know?

So, I guess I’ll explain my suicide story here, since that’s what it says on the home page.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been depressed, and I’m still not sure if I am. I feel like my psychoanalysis wasn’t in-depth enough to diagnose me with that. Anyway, I think I can pinpoint feeling depressed to back in middle school. I never really had a lot of friends. Ever. It’s not that I was shy or anything, I just didn’t have an interest. I jumped from friend group to friend group because I get bored of people like I get bored of food. You can only eat PBJ so many days in a row until you want something else, right? That’s how I’ve always been around people. And in a way, I kind wish I weren’t. It’s kind of lonely. I’m not able to tolerate the same people so many days in a row, and it sucks because I can’t have lasting relationships that way. I’ve always been so isolated, and I do this to myself. Ugh, whatever, that’s a different story for a different day.

Okay, so you get the idea that I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. Alright, so in March of 2014 I attempted suicide. Overdose of whatever the fuck was in the medicine cabinet. I just wound up throwing up. A lot. So I asked my mom to call me out of school on Friday and then the following Monday and Tuesday. I didn’t tell her why, and she didn’t ask. Family matters are a whole other issue, but the bottom line is that nobody in my family really gets along with each other.

So, I go back to school and nobody really asks me what’s up. Of course. I don’t have any friends. And I didn’t tell them.

I didn’t tell anyone that I had attempted suicide.

I simply brush the suicide attempt under the rug and pretend it never happened. But it got a lot worse after that. My thoughts of suicide got a lot worse and more frequent. I came out as transgender to my parents in July and now my dad hates me more than he did before. My mom calls me he only in front of me, but I hear her when she thinks I’m not listening and she doesn’t even try. She’s only doing it in front of me so I won’t say anything bad about her. My sisters are fine with it, though.

In November of 2014 I had a breakdown and my older sister forced me to go to the hospital. I was in crisis and was transferred to somewhere else, where I stayed for 5 days. This is where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But I think they just assumed that’s what I had because I was admitted for suicidal ideations. But whatever. So eventually I get out of there and I start therapy and medication. We found out that the medication only makes things worse, but helps me sleep (I have horrible insomnia). Therapy sucked, but that’s my fault. Again, with the people thing. I couldn’t connect, and then I got bored of her. So I stopped going to therapy. And I stopped taking the meds.

I’ve been going untreated for I think 3 months now, and I’m getting kind of bad again. I’m not really sure how much longer I’m going to be around to tell my story, but have this much, I guess. There’s so much more, but I don’t have the energy or motivation to write it all out. That’s almost sad, I always wanted to be a writer. I still do. Look how well that went. I’m fucking pathetic.

Thanks for reading this, I guess. It’s really text-heavy, but whatever. It felt kind of nice to get it out.

I’m also the-lord-of-the-lamps on tumblr, you can find me there if you want to chat, but you probably don’t.

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4 comments

cephalus 5/4/2015 - 11:27 pm

Au contraire mon frere. I found your text easy to understand and parse. Reading it was a breeze. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I know a lot of people, and they enjoy my company. But I don’t have many close friends. The uninteresting are left by the wayside. I also have a propensity for isolation.

While I personally don’t relate to parents not accepting who I am, many here do. That really sucks. I’m not sure how I would cope with that.

I hope you keep writing, I think you have a knack for it. If you want my quick and review:
I find you reltable, likable and funny. It reads as though a person is talking to me. Thoughts and points shown through clearly. Impeccable timed analogies that keep things light hearted while driving home your point. However, I never quite have the balls to self deprecating in a such a non subtle way– Which only make your text feel like a conversation.

DuZo 5/4/2015 - 11:37 pm

It’s totally fine if you don’t like to stick to people too long.
But you should probably try and give them more of a chance before you decide you’re completely tired of them.
Being friends doesn’t have to mean being around them every single day, so you could also try and find someone who feels or thinks the same way you do, and just be around them every once in a while when you feel the need to.

Not really my area though, but just trying to come up with ideas.
Maybe you just haven’t found the right type of people yet.

Comparing it to food helped get the idea through nicely but even when you get tired of eating the same thing if you eat it too often, it can be actually be good if you have it every once in a while or on a set day every time.
So i guess that’s what i tried to say when i said you don’t have to actually stick around them every day, even if they’re friends with you eventually.
There’s a lot of different people out there though so at any case you never know what might happen with other people you would meet.

If you feel like you need therapy or that it could help you, you should try to bare with a therapist for a while at least until you get a proper diagnosis, because then they might give you the actual right meds that would help rather than make things worse.

Therapists are there to help guide your thoughts, analyze and diagnose you, so even if you get bored of them you should still see if you can make use of what they try to do.
If letting things out helps, it could also help there.

I would say you wrote quite a lot.
If you still want to be a writer, you surely can.
You don’t have to write a whole book in one single day and i’m sure it’s not all about the length anyway so don’t worry.

You could always make another post later when you feel like it. Especially if it helps you feel better.

cephalus 5/5/2015 - 12:03 am

BTW, I was reading this again and everytime I see “Iā€™m asexual and aromantic.” I read it as “I’m asexual and aromatic.” which, I find to be hilarious. Probably not your intent to have that line put a smile on someones face, but nonetheless…

MoonShine 5/5/2015 - 8:42 am

you seems similar to me. we can also chat on email.

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