Lately I’ve been slowly hating myself and wishing harm on myself less and more so moving those feelings and urges towards others. I have PTSD, which causes anxiety at times and just the other day a couple people pointed out my anxiety and how it makes me seem like a timid, pathetic little thing. Let me tell you something. If you grew up with an alcoholic father who abused you physically and mentally while your other family members turned a blind eye (no matter how many times you stuck up for them when they were being abused)… if you were raped when you were only 11 years old… if your best friend, who you considered to be more like an older brother committed suicide, leaving you feeling completely alone and as if a part of you died along with him only two years after at 13 years old… if you’ve had to deal with substance abuse… if you’ve been pistol whipped and robbed on your way home… if you’ve been molested on the street twice within a year… if you’ve had an abusive lover who decided to kidnap you and keep you hostage, torturing you, (until you were finally able to escape one night) when he was passed out drunk just because you finally got the strength to leave him.. I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE A BIT OF FUCKING ANXIETY YOURSELF. and the fact you call me “timid”, like I’m some sort of fucking weakling. FUCK YOU. I grit my teeth and live through another fucking day when I really just want to end it every second. I’ve survived all that I just discussed and I’ve been relatively successful except for my poor mental health. I have more strength than you ever fucking will. People fucking disgust me with their ignorance. Sometimes I want to inflict all the pain I feel on others. I want to destroy a society I feel turned their backs on me. How dare you taunt me. And no, don’t worry I’d definitely kill myself before anyone else… but consider yourself fucking LUCKY that’s the way I am. Lately I’ve been hoping some scumbag tries to attack me on the street just so I have the excuse of “self defense” as I slit his fucking throat.
Okay. I feel much better now. Have a good night everyone!