I’m part of a ****** chat room called Crisis-Chat, and most if not all of the users from there, are from here. I was one of the few… okay maybe the only one, to have joined SP AFTER I joined ******. Anyway.
Lots of people post here, lots of people threaten suicide. I seem to do it enough that I might as well post it here for attention, right? I don’t even fucking know what I want to do anymore. I’m tired but I’m not. I’m hungry, but when I eat, I feel sick. My head hurts but its magically fine if I go to take any medicine. I’m thirsty but not parched. I’m empty but full. I want to be alone but also with people. I’m so fucking stuck in this goddamn paradox in my mind that I’m not even sure what to do anymore. Last I posted, I think I was writing about whether or not to go to Nationals for my speech. I went, I enjoyed it. I survived the holidays, the subsequent spring semester in college, and now I’m on summer holiday with a job awaiting me.
But I’m still chronically unhappy, and I still want to slit my throat every other day. People say its a matter of putting myself into perspective in life, that I need to try harder if I want to be happy. Is that true? Maybe this really is all just in my head? How would I ever know otherwise? Unless someone draws hormones with a hypodermic needle from my brain, how can we just assume I’m clinically depressed and suffering from anxiety, that I’m not somehow making this up and fabricating symptoms? How do I know? How do I know I’m not just plain a gone basket case, rather than someone with a very real disorder or two? How can I be sure?
I feel so lost, and I have no idea if I’m making any fucking sense anymore. I’m just typing to keep typing at this point. 12:34AM, and I’m nowhere near sleep. I’m exhausted, though. So much on my mind, so much to do, so many things I want to say and try, but my time is slipping farther and farther away from me. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. I just don’t know.
3 comments
It doesn’t matter what path you have taken to get here. You’re here and you are among friends. If you are from Crisis Chat, I may have run into you once or twice, but I don’t recall your username. Forgive me.
There isn’t any particular way to be happy. Happiness means different things to different people so I believe that one needs to look in their heart and see what they truly want in life and do their best to find that, whatever it may be to you. It may not make you completely happy, and likely won’t, but it will make living much easier.
Of course I’m here though too so what the hell do I know, right? 😛
You are obviously in a lot of distress right now. I wish I had more time, but I need to get back to work now since my break is almost over. I’ll try to add more a little later, but I hope you find a way to get some sleep. Night can be an awful time of day but I hope you are able to feel okay for just a little while so you can rest.
Take care.
Just a passing thought because I am WAY past my old-lady go-to-sleep time:
If it IS all in your head, I have a secret to tell you: EVERYBODY’S realty is “all in their head!” That makes you “normal.”
That said: Yes, you may need meds. You may need therapy. You may just need time. I don’t know you. Step one is, maybe, not letting anyone else decide how to organize your brain FOR you (doesn’t excuse us from being civil to others, etc., though). YOU are you. They are them. It is not selfish to accept your own thoughts as valid. Heck, you can even have your own desires, dreams, and goals.
I hope this helps. I don’t do chatty, but been around here since 2009.
T … rex… <3 ily T