As i’m sitting here, home alone, typing this, i’m feeling slightly hopeful for this website. I don’t know how many people are active here. I don’t even know if I really care. All I know is that I need a place to vent when I need to, and this place caught my eye. I would like to begin by just venting about my setting. I’m sitting here at a kitchen dining room table that’s littered with used kleenex- 15 of them, my OCD made me count-, a red face, and a wadded up suicide note. Kidding about the last thing. I have a need to write things in threes or any odd number- kudos to OCD again.
However, I have a suicide note mapped out in my head. I am a plan before do later kind of person. I’m also the kind that gets inches away from giving up, then doesn’t. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i’m weak.
Seriously. I am, and if you try to tell me otherwise, fuck you harder with a chainsaw. Heathers reference. Can’t say i’m sorry. Now, i’m not usually a rude person. But with recent disapproval for my boyfriend from my mother combined with a perfect older sister and a new bought of hopelessness, I find it difficult to be nice to anyone. Oh, you might be wondering why i’m home alone in the first place.
No, I didn’t kindly go up to my parents and family and say, “Hey, do you guys mind leaving for a while? I feel like contemplating suicide and using up half a box of kleenex while I eat half the house by myself for a while.” Nah, they’re gone somewhere. I exaggerated my illness so I could stay home. Thank goodness they’re leaving again shortly after they get home.
Anyways. The suicide thing. I just wanna go, man. Some days, it just sounds like the best, most convinient way out of this shit hole life. I don’t think I even have a purpose any more. Hell, I can’t even make my few true friends happy, so why do I deserve to be? Fuck that. I want out.
I know. It’s not permanent, these times will pass; but what if I don’t want them to? What if I want to die by my own hand, knowing i’ll never wake up as soon as I do the deed? And if what I do doesn’t kill me, I at least want it to hurt me to the point where I need medical attention for at least a month- YES, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I’LL GET ATTENTION. I don’t give a rat’s ass if it’s negative. I don’t get any attention at all, so for me, negative is better than nothing. No, I really don’t care about what you think about my mind set. I just wan out.
The only problem: I can’t die at this moment. I’m sick, red in the face, dressed like crap, haven’t brushed my teeth yet, and my hair is greasy. And by the time I’ve fixed all that, my family will probably be home, so screw today. I’ll go drown my sorrows elsewhere.
I officially love this website. Not only has it allowed me to freely express my thoughts and focus on something else, it has stopped my crying- what an accomplishment! Thank you again, suicideproject.org. You’re already proving to be amazing.
p.s. if you just read all that, I think I fucking love you.
p.p.s. Scratch that, I don’t think I love you: I do love you.
p.p.p.s. Stay strong xoxo