Yes, I have been addicted. Funny how the people who talk about addictions here don’t get many responses, but hey we bring it on ourselves right? Fuck the world and the judgements passed on addicts.
When I consider the prospect of overdose it makes me laugh. Essentially it’s the same thing as hanging yourself or shooting yourself (the end result being death), but because of the stigma around it, no one really wants to hear about the person who died of an overdose. No one really cares, but I don’t know why I even care to think about it. I mean, I do want to kill myself, I don’t know why I have any concern about how people will view my death. I think it has something to do with how other people expect me to die, I don’t want them to see me as just another silly junky, as they’ve seen me my whole life.
Anyway, I am done fixating on my reservations about how others see overdose and addiction. I am simply sick of trying, it isn’t hard to stay clean. I am just having trouble being in my head. It is the place where I dwell constantly, and I used drugs to calm all of my neurosis. I have spent long periods clean, and things don’t really improve. My social anxiety and negative self talk gets pretty overwhelming. I have been in therapy, and the mechanisms they bring to the table really don’t work for my pyschological recovery. I feel like the thought processes that create intense dissonance in my mind have been reinforced for such a long time that I would need a DBT cult to reprogram my mind to be functional again.
I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself, am I still trying to talk myself into suicide? Is it a harmless rant? Is it the one thing I leave behind for the people who know me? Either way, I am done with trying, and I am currently seeking a way to buy a substantial amount of opiates. I haven’t IV’d opiates in nearly 3 years, but I know this will kill me with the proper dose. No silly hospital stays for me, not again. I am compartmentalizing the effect it will have on my family because I know it will be devistating, and the thought of their pain hurts me deeply. I also know there is no way to explain it to them; they can’t understand my struggle with depression and anxiety. This isn’t a cry for help, I am just getting my intentions and reservations off of my chest.
Lastly a couple last words, to the people who tend to ignore the addiction posts, for whatever the reason. Consider what it would be like being treated like a rodent for the mistakes you made in your past. That you are simply defined by those actions, and you are now a societal abomination. Society makes me sick; people disgust me; and, most of all, I repulse myself.
My mind is all over the place tonight. This post could have been three or four separate posts, a conglomeration of shit you could call it. Perhaps refer to it as an aggregation of sadness, frustration, and hate.