I am tired to explain my problems, but I suffer every second of my life and it’s not gonna end. I know in my heart I won’t be happy again, I personally ruined my family, friendships, love and job. All my fault, odd story but I self-destroyed myself and I can’t blame anyone but me. I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll never get back the things I lost and I can’t live without them. I have to go to end this.
On the other hand I already hurt beyond imagination the people I love, and I can’t afford to add other pain. My death would literally kill my parents both.
I am calm and cold but inside I’m scared. I cannot believe how I ruined my life, I literally feel this is a nightmare I created with my own hands, but it real and I can’t escape.
What do I do? I’m stuck, I’m trapped, I’m I’m hell. I cannot talk with anyone because I already did and it made things worse for me. It has been the talking about it that snowballed the all thing down. With colleagues and friends I am the ‘disabled one’ now, and people is getting sick of me. I was so open with my family about my pain that I dragged father down in sorrow and now fell in deeper depression than me, because he loves me so much that it killed to see me in so much pain (now I see how I exaggerated talking to get attention, when there was no need to, as he always been so much caring). I am in therapy but it doesn’t help, the pain is coming from the losses I achieved with my own hands. Now I see I am an awful and immature person, I had everything in life and I couldn’t handle it. I am disgusted by myself and I wasted a wonderful life not everyone is lucky enough to get.
I cannot just suck it up and pretend to live my life as normal (how I’m trying to do now to don’t worsen things). I have a limit to the pain I can take I guess. I am afraid I will slowly get insane or something like that. I’m 26. I am getting addicted to alcohol to ease the pain to sleep. My mind is constantly thinking how I ruined my life, keeps living in the past in the moments I did the worst mistakes. Waves of sorrow paralyse me few times a day, and when it happens I became unable to interact with the world for few minutes. I can’t afford further therapy and I work full schedule all week so I can’t really start yoga or any of this things, and it wouldn’t help. Every thing I do it gets worse. I cannot stay away from my family to not hurt them, but it is painful to see what I did to them. I cannot withdraw from friends because it would make me lonely, but it is hard to pretend to be good and they all notice I’m not that same me anymore and they asks questions but I cannot explain. I cannot quit my job cause I have a mortgage and after all is the job I wanted to do, but I cannot find any motivation and I am starting to under-perform, and if I got fired then I’m economical troubles too.
I really don’t know what now…