Im 17 years old. My dad is a heavy drinker and is addicted to meth. When I was younger my dad used to touch me inappropriately when he was all strung out on meth. Everytime I now see him strung out, I play the moment of him touching me. I’m scarred for life. I can’t look at my father the same. I smoke weed to cope. I am really depressed with my home life. No one in my family has ever graduated from my moms side or my dads side, an I want to be the first. But I don’t .believ in myself. I lack so much confidence. I always have messed up thoughts in my head. I can’t look at myself in a mirror an tell myself I’m beautiful. I’ve tried to attempt to put myself in Counseling but every chance I get my dad gets in the way and says I’m not depressed. I lost my best Friend due to a drunk driver killing him, my dad drinks and drives a the time an that hurts me. My mom goes along with what my dad says so it’s me against my parents.everyday before school I am always told I’m a piece of shit and I’m a ***** for idk what reason by my parents. I suffer so much. I fee like I’m trapped in my home life. I know I need help. If I don’t get the help I need I’m gonna hurt myself. I’ve been through a lot, and all I can look at is all the negative. I just don’t want to suffer anymore. I want it all to end. Suicide seems to be what I need to not suffer anymore. I don’t have any friends anymore because I pushed them all away. I litterally smoke weed all day every day and just sit in misery. Idk what life has in store for me but so far it’s not good. Like how do I become happy. Maybe I should just runnaway. Idk.
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You can graduate. You’re writing tells me as much. That being said, I have a friend who makes 6 figures that does not have so much as a GED.
Honestly, you can always end your life. You can runaway, change your name start a new life from scratch. Maybe it will be better, maybe it will be worse. Sometimes all you need is a door and a highway.
Either way, you are amongst friends.
Get out. Seriously, leave. If you’ve got family, call them. You will NEVER regret it. You’ll regret staying. You don’t need the emotional abuse. It’s just as bad as physical. Get out and get help. You will feel so so much better when you don’t have the negativity. You can focus on yourself which is something your ALLOWED to do.
I feel for you so much. Your parents are abusive. You have the extreme misfortune of being a child of child abusers. They are obviously completely inept as human beings and instead of facing this they take it out on you because they are cowards. I was abused by my parents too. I believe child abuse is one if the worst things that can happen to someone. The fact that you are hanging in there shows how strong you are. I believe in you.
You are worthy of life. You can do this!
Destiny_k… You’re not a *****, or a piece of shit. You gotta get away from this situation. I lived with my old man after my parents split when I was 16, he took it out on me mentally and physically and and yes you do end up believing it and blaming yourself. If there’s family or anyone you can trust and talk to, do it. Don’t let this be the reason you hurt yourself, trust me that’s a crappy road to get on. My hope and thoughts are with you, the first steps away aren’t easy but you CAN take them
I was born into parents that met in a mental institution. Having parents or caretakers that have addiction and abuse as outlets from their own past or inability to process their personal unhappiness, normalize the house w “IT” usually being- you- someone (thing) else. but we kids r always the “fault”.
Their histories r not yours. Although We accept Responsibility.
Addiction abuse and pain tend to be generational. Its a cycle-
There r people that r really fucked up, and wont be willing to accept their victimization as a bad act against them. Their victimization will settle in their flesh (sometimes we own the actions of others as our own). CONDITIONING!!
Self-esteem-self image. How many mirrors i have screamed at, the ugly i saw.
My mom could not live around me if i laughed. My dad, the touches-fuck- my brother also joined in his illness So i learned to cry internalize and just scream and live so hurt believing myself to be unworthy of love or acceptance
The maladaptive (fucked) approach to their lives sworm the air with unbreathable oxygen- and thats poison for a childs hope and even physical health.
Left as we are, we give our futures and our dreams away. Hope is too painful to generate
As that child- now 48 and a female- i am n counseling (finaly taking a look from a different view-shit-its not always my fault~
And even though i know that-
It took me a long time to learn how to believe it.
Then we have to learn how to believe/live different thoughts and actions to recieve hope. This is not easy but its possible.
I am living a life that offers emotional responsibility for me _almost every day-
I have to remember that i have only the responsibility for my cycle of addiction and my actions. Yesterday is not gone. But i am learning to look at it over my shoulder.
There r places to reach out for help. I see your young, so that sounds like shit to you. But a little bit of acceptance to the powerlessness of your situation over the conditions of your home envirnment can encourage your Reaching out to an org or a domestic violence program, a community support against violence or police
I had to turn the forces behind my anger into the momentumn to save myself.
I had to find people with resources and experience at this shit. I cant do it alone
I lived underground, hidden from society for 30 years behind my childhood
I worked in adult entertainment, i got really high (meth) , i put myself at risk alot and prayed many times for forgiveness but i still prayed to just go to sleep and not wake up. I had done so bad at living that i was not a person; i became a character, i became completely numb … Completely!!!
I took fleeting moments to try to create a memory i could call joy. Call joy, i couldnt feel it
Again, I am 48. I have lived running from and into my whole life.
I listened to a lot of crap from the world around me. Believing all the bad stuff, (why not-its my language right?) And i was what i was called. “right???”
Not really
Our struggles r real they r tough
I knew i was strong and capable, because i kept surviving
I have hurt-everyday- but today i am finally battling some of the correct enemies –
The lies….
I dont know you, but i didnt know me either when i began to fight for myself
So i pray you have understanding to the different forms of abuse and neglect you are living and suffering.
Know WE DO survive
Know that WE CAN LAUGH
Surviving was not enough
KNOW THAT WE CAN LIVE LIFE