male, 29, 130lbs/58kg
diagnosed: major depressive disorder, ocd, generalized anxiety disorder
prescribed: sertraline 200mg/day, xanax .5mg and zolpidem 10mg as needed
i’m trying to get help from my family physician on tuesday. i was in therapy with a psychologist for a while but stopped going because i couldn’t afford to get help, and support my manipulative ex. we have a son. i attempted during her pregnancy and spent a few days with waived human rights in a psychiatric hospital.
in my relationship i was used for money and hit a lot. there was constant berating and verbal abuse. i’m going through a divorce and don’t really get to see my son for more than a couple hours a week. i don’t have friends and i don’t go out because that only calls attention to myself. i’m severely depressed and anxious, and i see life as pointless with no purpose or meaning.
i’m a long time marijuana smoker, but in the last 6 months have begun recklessly self-medicating with highly toxic drugs. my doctor has stopped refilling my xanax because i was finishing a bottle every week-2 weeks (it can only be refilled every 30 days in my state in the usa). i began using coke with an acquaintance in january, and by february was buying an eight ball or more every weekend. it stopped working soon thereafter…
so out of xanax, unable to find a benzo or opiate dealer, and burned on blow, i started smoking ice. i’ve barely slept since march, and i would guess that i physically age about 5 years every 30 days. it’s the most crippling addiction that i never could have imagined. i do my best to stay numb but i’ve abused it so often that i’ll be dead before i can get high again, unless i start slamming.
i can’t go back to inpatient or rehab. i can’t look crazy in court or i’ll never see my son. i hope to be treated with my doctor’s recommendation of therapist/psychiatrist and medication. so my question for anyone that would like to offer their input: is it safe for me to tell my doctor about my drug addiction/suicidality with the notion that i might be bi-polar or have bpd?
thank you to anyone who answers.