I’m just so fucking stuck. No matter what I do, I’m stuck.
A little back story: my abusive boyfriend of a year and a half and I mutually split. It ended on a really, really bad note. I tend to just push it out of my mind and go numb to get over someone, which was working fine with him, until he messaged me again to try to be just friends. He knows shit like this ruins all my progress, every single time. I don’t think he cares anymore, though. I wouldn’t. I think he’s just getting a kick of dragging me along still. I don’t know what to think.
It’s so fucking ridiculous how I am, how I always land myself in these situations with these people. I can’t get out of them, though, no matter how hard I try. It’s always just abusive relationship after abusive relationship. I’ve become desensitized to it, but this one was different. I actually loved him. Dropped out of school for him, pushed everything aside for him, and he did the same for me. I fixed a lot of things that I neglected while being with him finally, namely my social life, but it still isn’t the same. No matter how much I change things, no matter how much I seem to be getting my life together to others, inside it’s still just fucking empty. I have goals in life but no point, no purpose. And I hate thinking, because it’s just about him. And when I think about him, I just feel crazy. Just that psycho ex nobody wants to deal with. I always felt as though what happened with us was my fault, despite him recognizing that he did most of the damage to both of us. Even if I’m in the right, I’ll always feel guilty. I’ll always feel like I’ve done something wrong.
So now I’m just stuck. I’m needy, I guess. I’m just someone who’s been neglected and hurt too long and just wants someone to hold me for once. I don’t care who it is, I don’t care if it’s a stranger, I don’t care if it’s an EMT holding me while I’m bleeding out. I just feel hollow. The only people who can tolerate me end up hurting me, and I don’t know how long I can last with this all. It’s pathetic how desperate I am for basic human interaction. I have friends again, I have my family life back again, but it’s not the same. I’ve always and will always feel inadequate and unwanted to ridiculous levels. I hate myself to a point where it just pisses people off now. It’s like I can’t enjoy myself or my life without immediately feeling insecure, without feeling alone.
As shitty as it sounds, I miss the abuse. I miss being told I can never leave, I miss the comfort that came afterwards. It at least let me know where I belonged, where I was needed, and I felt the most stable during it because I know I deserved it. For whatever reason, I always knew I deserved it. Rationally, I know I’m not the one acting out of line or anything when these situations occur. But I’ll always feel like I deserve it. I hate myself for it because I just CAN’T be in normal relationships anymore. I just CAN’T be involved in something where I’m not being hurt. I just guess I missed the “structure” of sorts of relationships like this. I’m scared of being cheated on and I’m scared of being compared to other girls. People say that I genuinely am attractive but all I see in the mirror is just a corpse of a person. Pale skin, sunken in face, eye bags so bad that I look like I have two black eyes, always ice cold, etc. and my eyes are just empty. Nothing’s in them anymore. People tell me I’m too thin, but I see nothing but miles of fat piled onto a short, stalky, boyish girl. I manage to attract someone new constantly, only to feel more and more inadequate somehow, so I just brush them off. I don’t mean to and I hate being alone, but I feel like all I do is drag people down with me. I hate hurting others so much to the point where I’d rather just sit in bed all day and not eat or text or go on the computer or watch TV or have blankets over me to keep me warm, because I feel like even the most basic interaction with others is making them uncomfortable or hurting them. I don’t want that.
I just want to live my life. I just want to be normal, but I can’t be. No matter how much therapy, no matter how many times I talk it out, I’ll always be stuck like this. And I cant exactly just go up to someone I’m interested in and say “Hey, would you be interested in a dysfunctional abusive and extremely controlling relationship”?
I guess I just want someone who’ll love me AND help me vent out my self hatred through literal means. I fall in love so fucking easily and always with the wrong people.
I’m just stuck like this, and the byproduct of these relationships is going to be the death of me but I just long for the feeling of being loved. It’s pathetic and sad that I’m like this, that I’m this fucked up. I don’t know anymore.