i think im ready to checkout

Let’s start my story at high school, which sucked ass. Basically really patriarchal boys school and my social life was non-existent. In my last year of high school parents got in a car accident, mother died and father left paralysed (and in hindsight mentally broken to a degree). I pushed for me and my younger siblings to move to live in Australia with relatives and this was supported by my mom’s side of the family, but not my dad’s; this essentially made me enemy no1 as far as my dad’s side was concerned and I suspect my dad has always held that against me. I still think it was a good call. Things worked out and my siblings and I were eventually given citizenship

I worked for few years before going to university. Somehow I had become an extremely good looking guy. I used to come across this gorgeous babe, honestly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen (think Tara Reid at her very best) on this train I used to take to work. She always seemed to be trying to get my attention and we would always sit at the same place at the train station every Tuesday for 5/6 weeks. I chickened out every time and the last time I saw her she gave me a look of complete exasperation mixed with a bit of disdain and anger. The problem was that my permanent residence court hearing was literally around the corner and driving me insane. I decided that once the permanent residence was sorted out I would talk to her; but I never saw her again. I was probably making excuses but it still bothered me for a very long time.

Eventually I got citizenship and applied and got into medical school at the overseas university I had always wanted to go to since I was a young’un. Somehow in my last year of high school I also managed to get the top marks in my school (despite missing most of my school year) and mixed in with the sob story and a bit of scheming meant I was accepted into one of the best American universities. Things seemed to be looking up for about 7 months (friends, nice social life medical school was tough but working out) until I got food poisoning that left me fucked up for a while. It has taken 5 years for my digestion to get to 80% normal, and I still cannot eat some foods. I managed to finish half of medical school before arranging with the school to take a year out. My plans were messed up by my father who was being fed a lot of crazy conspiracies by his side of the family such as I was making excuses, I was not really sick, I had failed. Basically they didn’t want me staying with them during my year off as my ingenious father had not arranged any living arrangement other than living with family who had grown sick of us (this despite his business making 250k+ a year in profit). I gave up, went back to medical school, decided that paying 100k to basically fail out was insane and got kicked out/gave up on medical school ( I chose not to fight to come back a year later). Also during medschool my porn usage turned into a full blown addiction and I also got a mild case of erectile dysfunction, which was probably for the best or else I would have spent a lot more money on hookers and massage parlors.

I had always had trouble sleeping early and getting up early, but in my last year of medical school it turned into full blown non-24 hour sleep. This lasted for two and half years and along with my stomach issues was the reason I wanted a year out of medical school. I honestly don’t remember most of the two years except constant stress and wishing my sleep to be normal. I somehow managed not to fail any exams but waking up at 4pm one week and 4am the next was the most depressing, surreal thing I ever experienced. After leaving medical school I didn’t work and watched TV, movies and anime and played games non-stop with a very bland social life, but it was chilled and I loved it. The sleep was still totally fucked up and even now I can barely maintain a normal schedule, and to do so I take melatonin every night.

During that year off I also became atheist (lets be real, there is no god) and that made me much more accepting of my situation. It was not a solution but I was able to let go of my anger and confusion, because things made sense and what happened simply just happened. My dad also forced me to return to university to study pharmacy which I hate and have no interest in. I am also surrounded by people that are almost 10 years younger than me so my social life is non-existent (I haven’t been out in over a year and I don’t have a single friend here, partly my fault since I was asocial). I did manage to “sort out” one issue. Basically my dad’s business was co-owned with his brother (father provided money, brother worked profits 50/50). However, my uncle bailed and managed to keep 40% of the cut and my brother took over for 20. Now my brother began expanding and the issue was that my uncle expected to get 40 of all new branches. However, I managed to convince my brother to bail if he gets anything less than 60% (using the same model used the first time round. He works and gets 50% and the business provides the capital and gets 50%, of which my brother’s share is 20%) so that’s all good. He will be making 500k+ in the near future as he expands and my other siblings join him.

I also believe that the human race is basically doomed to returning to the dark ages due to the insane environmental damage, resource depletion, inequality, uncontrolled population growth etc. so I don’t really see what I should be working for. I could make it through university and become a pharmacist, but I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. I hate the place I am at, I have sleep problems and I am struggling to keep up with work due to this and my non-existent motivation. My social skills are deteriorating and the only thing that I still enjoy are getting high, watching a good movie or TV show. I plan to end it all in the near future, since I know where to get the drugs for a painless, clean and safe suicide (safe in that it effects nobody else like running in front of a car would). I wanted to get life insurance and work for a couple of years so that I could avoid the suicide clause and leave money for the siblings, but they are making more than enough. At the same time I would prefer to die in my own home rather than a motel and play some games that are in my backlog and see the conclusion to some tv shows/book series I really enjoyed, but I don’t think I have the energy for it.

thanks for reading