I wish I could believe in God. I wish I could convince myself that there was some omniscient, all loving being with the power to guide me and influence my circumstances for the better. I wish I could believe that there was a perennial force looking out for me and giving ubiquitous company. I wish I could believe that everything concludes with justice, that those who commit significant transgressions receive a punishment proportional to their crime. I wish I could believe that there is meaning in suffering, that the pain endured produced a reward to make it worth it.
I wish I could believe that life had an objective to be achieved, that at the end I would be given an indefinite life full of perpetual happiness.
But no, there is no God. There is nothing that regulates the atrocities of the universe, nothing that impedes on the innocents’ tragedy, disease, terror and violence are all inexorable aspects of life, the innocent are killed everyday, tortured and mutilated on every level. I am not a misanthropist, I do not believe that humanity is collectively bad and immoral. It’s just devastating that the idea of justice and objective love is indoctrinated into people, that people can justify the horrors of life with meaningless fallacies and I am unable to find solace in that ideology. I can’t believe that in a car crash only the survivor was worthy of god’s mercy, I can’t believe that simply saying words can communicate with a supreme being who only selectively listens to those that don’t need to be heard at that time. I can’t believe that God only chose prophets and the supernatural to happen when it was unable to be confirmed through empirical evidence, especially because at this period in time we need guidance, inspiration and lessons to love our fellow humans more than anything else.
I can’t believe in Christian ideology that God condones suffering because he wants to give humanity free will, free will that doesn’t exist without financial, geographical, mental and emotional privilege. I can’t believe that I was given life but not the resources and ability to enjoy and utilize it.