I’m so fucked its ridiculous. What’s a person supposed to do when they don’t fit into the ways of the world and can’t get what they need out of life? Just live miserably with no hope and constant heartache? I’m fucked in every way that most people call life, job, love life, sex life, marriage, kids. I’ve got no chance of any of it,I’ve just been fighting suicide crisis’s on and off for about 6 years and I always end up back here. Its not that I’m becoming desperate, I’ve been desperate for the last 6 years and its taken a toll on me – I just can’t fill the void. I go on websites until I realize I might as well not be there, I stopped posting on forums because my posts just spin round my mind. I can’t cope with criticism anymore and I just can’t seem to be able to ‘be’ .. anything at all. If I’m being one way then afterwards I think I’m being something else. I don’t know what I’m being, if I’m being nice then I’m being too nice, If I’m screaming out then I’m a burden to all, If I’m being open then I’m showing how fucked I am and that’s negative, if I’m being ‘me’ then I’m even more doomed to being alone because no one wants a fuck up. I’m sometimes more positive but not today, I’m starting to think that any feelings of happiness for whatever pointless reasons are just an illusion anyway, something to prolong the inevitable blackness around the corner, it always catches up with you! .. no matter how much I play fifa or preoccupy myself with pointless things it doesn’t change my reality, it doesn’t cure those things that are making me hurt in life. I just can’t live with this lonely heartache anymore. I’m like Mr invisible who can’t be heard either and I need to get a fucking life from somewhere!! ..but where!?
I think deaths gotta be a lonely thing, especially suicide through misery, just sinking deep down into the blackness. It’s just a shame life has to be lonely as well.