I’m so fucked its ridiculous. What’s a person supposed to do when they don’t fit into the ways of the world and can’t get what they need out of life? Just live miserably with no hope and constant heartache? I’m fucked in every way that most people call life, job, love life, sex life, marriage, kids. I’ve got no chance of any of it,I’ve just been fighting suicide crisis’s on and off for about 6 years and I always end up back here. Its not that I’m becoming desperate, I’ve been desperate for the last 6 years and its taken a toll on me – I just can’t fill the void. I go on websites until I realize I might as well not be there, I stopped posting on forums because my posts just spin round my mind. I can’t cope with criticism anymore and I just can’t seem to be able to ‘be’ .. anything at all. If I’m being one way then afterwards I think I’m being something else. I don’t know what I’m being, if I’m being nice then I’m being too nice, If I’m screaming out then I’m a burden to all, If I’m being open then I’m showing how fucked I am and that’s negative, if I’m being ‘me’ then I’m even more doomed to being alone because no one wants a fuck up. I’m sometimes more positive but not today, I’m starting to think that any feelings of happiness for whatever pointless reasons are just an illusion anyway, something to prolong the inevitable blackness around the corner, it always catches up with you! .. no matter how much I play fifa or preoccupy myself with pointless things it doesn’t change my reality, it doesn’t cure those things that are making me hurt in life. I just can’t live with this lonely heartache anymore. I’m like Mr invisible who can’t be heard either and I need to get a fucking life from somewhere!! ..but where!?
I think deaths gotta be a lonely thing, especially suicide through misery, just sinking deep down into the blackness. It’s just a shame life has to be lonely as well.
6 comments
Stop dwelling on how others see you. I used to do that a lot and it is crippling. Now I do what I want and I don’t give a fuck what other people think. I used to worry so much about what I looked like… If people thought u was funny or some stupid *****… I’d just sit there and say nothing. I swear my social awareness could make a room full of 20 feel awkward too. Now I just spend time with one or two people at a time. I prefer life that way. I wear what I want… Not looking to impress anyone. I sold my flash car and I drive one that just gets me there now… I don’t care about status symbols. Handbags are so stupid! Carrying a status symbol fuck what a douchebag society we live in “look at me, look what I have” well you know what I much prefer my leather backpack. Apparently I look like I could do some serious damage ha dressing like I don’t give a fuck about anyone has its bonuses.
Definitely get the social awareness thing, I sometimes feel like I stick out like a saw thumb in a pub or club or something .. until I get very drunk that is!
lol, thanks for that, its a side of me I’ve been battling out of… mostly shown by the fact that that was actually a draft from a year or so ago that i never published till now! .. Having a drink I must of pressed on a button and that post popped up and I read it as if it was someone else and said to my mate ‘I cant believe this, I have a twin!’ … Being so Impressed I pressed ‘post’.
Most of the time I don’t really but on the internet on facebook with supposed family who don’t know you who live all happy seeming lives while you’ve been and come from a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLACE? That they will never understand or have any empathy with? … They all group up and say ‘You’re wrong’ because all of their lives SEEM so right and I cant stay on my own any longer than anyone else can. Truth is, this life … Not many people are good for ya…. unless you’re just a ‘normal’ human being.
A lot in your post seemed very familiar to me. I’m just months into my own day-to-day crisis. I had already made plans to end it all three times the last three weeks, only to back out at the last moment.
I can’t even imagine being like this for 6 years. Heck, I can’t even imagine still being here by the end of this month. It’s too much to bear when you know that things are not going to improve no matter how much you try.
Looking back at my life with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how pathetic it was before she came into my life. She changed everything. And she subsequently destroyed everything when she left.
Now my existence could hardly be more pathetic. Nothing brings me the least bit of joy. Happiness is not attainable anymore. Everything is just a waste of time. I get our of bed every day only because it’s what she wanted me to do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t ever get up.
Very pathetic, indeed.
I’m assuming you’re talking about an ex girlfriend? If that’s the case I can totally relate to how they can change your life and then totally destroy it. My last Girlfriend was the catalyst for my whole life going down hill, she hurt me in so many ways that I lost everything that i thought was good about myself while just becoming very internally scarred and its taken a lot of work to just feel human again. Nowadays, thankfully, I can actually enjoy things in life and enjoy being me again on a fairly consistent basis although I am very prone to being knocked off my little ‘positive perch’ if something upsets me and gets under my skin or of course if I focus on the wrong thing!
I need to have my head in a good space which is uninterupted but the thing is that ‘good space’ is all too often interrupted, I know I shouldn’t let it happen really but sometimes I just cant let something go and then it spirals out of control! … I agree with you its very hard to bear to be trying in life but knowing things are unlikely to improve, Its just like a brick wall you keep hitting which keeps saying ‘no!’ .. After a while too many of these brick walls are gonna grind you down!
Life Hunter ,
we are all fucked, this is what it’s suppose to be like, I envy no one, we came in alone we leave alone, the blackness is nothing to fear, we where there before, it wasn’t bad 🙂 your job as a living human being is to try to make the best of being alive, existing is spinning your wheels, plan to do things that you enjoy, make your life as happy as you can, don’t depend on others to make you happy they won’t.