After years of searching without and within – I’ve decided that the best decision I can make for myself is to die now instead of later.
I’m scared to die because I’ve never died before; however, I refuse to stay and am terrified more of staying here – miserable for no reason at all. I’ve spent 3 years coming to this conclusion, asking questions, researching, you name it. I’ve had 30 years of sheer misery.. it’s time to go and this isn’t an act of desperation. At least I don’t believe it is. I’ll know on the other side. Since we all fail (daily for me), it’s may have been to get you to what it is you do afterwards that determines if it was a well spent experiment.
I’m in the process of squaring everything away (finances, apartment etc) and doing my research to have a successful first attempt. I plan on leaving the state or country when the time comes.
I have such a calm about what I’m doing and where this is headed, it’s absolutely right for me. I think it only scares me because I grew up, berrated by everyone, with an irrational fear of death. It’s death, not human trafficking or controversial midget albino porn.
I hate when talking about how I feel is met with narrowminded interruption and flamboyant obnoxious reactions of how wrong I am.
I’m very much not wrong, you’re just highly uncomfortable – and from that convulsive display (as if I threw acid in your face), you now cannot hear me out because you’ve injured yourself. I’m pretty sure you can’t contract what I came here to talk about.
It’s okay actually, people I don’t need to talk to weed themselves out.
Yet, the frustrations correlated with “I DON’T want to hear your side of why I’m wrong and why I should read the middle section of this tri-fold pamphlet on suicide” and “No, I really am not second guessing my thoughts and feelings right now because you are” leave me exhausted and just add to being alone in this.
I do have to say that this site is major in lowering the fear I have. I found it yesterday and joined. Talking about my situation and reading yours has been so supportive in the last 24hrs. That’s all I was looking for to bridge the divide. Support.
Support where I wasn’t wrong or told I have to change myself. Why would I want to change myself. I’ve tried to change all these years and, I’ve never been truer to myself than I am right now, which is why I have the courage to know what I want and strength to reach it.
Thank you for your stories.. T