Im new here, do you want to hear my story?

My name is Ashley Im 18 and I have severe deppression I dont have any friends I have my fiance and my dogs thats about it I first notticed my deppression when I was about 11 I started smoking weed when I was sad and I notticed it made me feel so much better probably because it would make me eat and go to sleep things didnt get to bad till I was 14 9th grade that was the age I began cutting my self and the age I first tried killing myself I was extremely skinny not because I cared about my weight but because I was to sad to eat I just never had an appetite I had a serious drinking problem the first thing I did when I woke up was start taking shots before Id go to school I was always late to school and all I did was sleep in class after a while my teachers didnt care all I did was sleep they would make me stand in class so I wouldnt sleep but I would end up falling asleep while standing and I would just fall down they knew something was wrong with me so they stoped caring. at lunch I would walk around the school and go to every restroom go in the stall and cry sometime even give myself a cut or burn then walk to another restroom and do the same thing so it looked like I was walking somewhere after 9th grade I dropped out I was to sick to get out of bed I started having seizures and thats when I found out I have epilepsy then I really couldnt go to school every time I left the house I would have a seizure im finally on the right medication so I dont have seizures as mch as I use to. I dont know why I get so sad and why I wish to be dead my fiance and my dogs make me want to live but sometimes my head just doesnt agree I dont care for myself I think Im very selfish and unthankful I know so many people have it worse then me and that just makes me hate myself because I have such a good life and I dont want to live it but then again I want to make a future with my fiance I dont know what I want I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. Why is suicide alwayse on my mind? Im happy life is good, so why do I still get depressed? It makes me hate myself I feel so pathetic all the time because of my depression the only time my mind is at ease is when Im high off marijuana just chilling with my dogs nd my fiance but after a while the thoughts come back Ive gotten alot better I dont hurt myself anymore but I still feel the depression. I thought of a little saying that might help people understnd depression, “depression isnt when something bad happens and you get sad. Thats normal. Depression is when everything is going good and you still dont know why your sad.”