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I don’t want to live for another minute. I’m 22 and I don’t want to make it to 23. I’m sick of being alone. I’m sick of having no friends, no one to turn to, and no one to rely on. I was put on this earth with a fucked up brain. I have bipolar disorder which goes hand in hand with the severe depression. And if that wasn’t enough, I have insomnia that keeps me up at night and ADD so I can never concentrate for more than 5 fucking minutes. I hate it. I haven’t felt happy for so god damned long. Being an atheist, I don’t believe in a heaven or hell, so I don’t fear or believe in any consequential fate of committing suicide. the only fucking thing that keeps me chained to this living hell is my parents. Regaurdless of how much I can’t stand my life, I could never put them through the tragedy of losing their only son. It’s a vicious cycle. I want nothing more than to have never existed in any shape or form. I NEVER FUCKING ASKED TO BE HERE! I had no fucking choice to be thrown into a world I fucking hate to the core. I look around and hate every god damned thing I see! our “leaders” lie to us! No one cares about anyone but them selves! I work so fucking hard to help others and never expect anything in return and what do I get!?? Criticized! Yelled at! Made fun of! I’m sick and fucking tired of it! I’ve turned to fucking dating sites to find at least one fucking person that likes me for who I am and out of the literaly thousands of girls who “saw my page” not one sent me a message! The loneliness is tearing me apart! I just want to die! THATS ALL I FUCKING WANT! I bought my first handgun last year when I turned 21. From time to time when I’m alone, I rack the chamber and put it to my temple… Just one, small, finger movement… And I’m free. That’s all it takes. That’s all I have to do. I sit there with a loaded fucking gun to my stupid fucking head and just dream. But the mess that would create… All the blood, grey matter, and skull that would be slewed across the wall and floor…my parents could never erase that from their memories. I don’t know what to do any more. I just want to drive out to the middle of nowhere, where no one could EVER find me and end it. Maybe they could believe I was alive somewhere. But that seems like it could be worse than killing myself with them knowing. They would never find closure. At least if they know I’m dead, they’ll eventually move on. Fuck it all. One of these days I’m gonna pull this fucking trigger and finally be free.

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WildOne 5/27/2015 - 1:46 am

Dating sites have a very low success rate for most people. The best thing to do is to get involved in groups or activities where you can meet new people. On dating sites I’m also ignored-but when I go out in public I get decent feedback from women, some show a clear interest.

Sorry to hear about all the mental issues you have to deal with-but I think if you had friends, a gf, then perhaps you’d feel better. I have friends/family so I don’t feel I lack in that department but am missing out on a significant other. I tend to be choosy and that makes it even harder.

Yes dying would end all your problems-a few years ago I was also very determined to end my life. I also know how amazing it used to be before and I lost everything that made it great. However I also realized that if/when I do die, there will never be another chance at this life. I’m an atheist also and know that this is the only life we’ll ever get, good or bad.

I’m still under a lot of stress-I feel it on me right now, because I’m in a bad job, I’m out of shape, single, etc, etc. So I have a lot of work ahead of me to get to the place I want to be. I think I can do it because people in worse situations than mine have done well.

I’d give anything to be 23 again, I was in my prime then-but I squandered my opportunities that life handed to me on a silver platter (I’m in my 40s now). If you want to be happy again, it might take a lot of effort on you part but I think you can obtain it. Plus your youth gives you many chances to make mistakes and get it right. In my case, I have to get my act together soon.

If you do decide to end it-I agree, don’t leave a terrible mess for your family to clean up-they’ll already be traumatized at your loss. No need to leave a painful image of you in their minds. Choose a method that leaves a serene corpse behind if you go ahead with it. Your parents will be devastated by your loss but you cannot live for other people’s sake. I know I will deeply hurt a number of people around me if I go.

I imagined losing one of my family members (in fact it almost happened in 2 cases)…but we all will die at some point. You have to be able to live in peace with yourself first and foremost. Everyone else comes second-especially with a decision like this.

Matt 5/27/2015 - 1:58 am

Hey!
Before you think negatively about yourself for one more millisecond, consider this: There are people out ther who really care about you. I’m 23, and I have cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus, and epilepsy, among other issues. I’ve been in your shoes before, but I chose to rethink my actions when I changed my circumstances of living. I moved away from the people that I knew really didn’t care and rearranged my life. I’ve found happiness since. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2010, served a mission in California in 2011, and I’m here typing now, living proof that there is hope.

joyrn54 5/28/2015 - 6:08 pm

Matt,
You’re a great guy. I’m glad you got your life up and going despite people that said you couldn’t. In your situation, I’m sure you have had many obstacles to overcome.
This world has become more and more judgmental of people who don’t look like a Barbie or a Ken doll. Or fucking GI Joe if you dress Ken in a helmet and fatigues. Anyway, we know the drill.
Ok, Thanks for your post. I wish you much content and happiness. I’ve never begrudged anyone for making a life for themselves.

BrokenAngel8 5/27/2015 - 2:59 am

I can kind of relate to what your going through . I just recently went through a break up from hell a few months back (my first serious one), I have friends and family but yet theres a lot of times during the day when I feel so alone. If I did die so what. The only thing that ever held me back is the one thing in the world that matters the most to me my little sister she would be devestated. I may be younger than you ( I’m 20) Just try your best to hold on.

XcomingdownX5fdp 5/28/2015 - 2:41 am

Thank you all for your concern. You made me think… almost reconsider. But my mind is still made up. I hate this world. However, I’ve decided to give it one more try. I’m giving my self one month, 30 days, to try making friends, and maybe even find someone who actually likes me. If I’m still alone after that, it’s over. If a full month of trying to meet people is unsuccessful, it’ll definitely give me the final push I need to pull the trigger.

joyrn54 5/28/2015 - 6:36 pm

I also have a plan. But no time specific plans as you have chosen. That must mean you still have hope.
Me? Nah… I’ve been cleaning my house. Straightened and tidying up my underwear drawer.. Throwing away insignificant crap we all manage to accumulate. I even bagged up all my jewelry and put it in my closet. All socks matched and accounted for here. Going through papers has been the hardest. And should I go ahead and make my monthly bill payments? Hmmm, not sure yet. I have no one. No family or friends. My husband died with cancer 6 years ago. I’m on disability and unable to work. I have so much pain and fatigue at times I can’t move. The tears roll out but I’m not crying. There is nobody to hear me anyway when I whisper quietly for help. I haven’t had a phone call from anyone for at least 2 months. And no visitors. I wonder how long it will be before my body is found? My house is off the beaten path anyway.

XcomingdownX5fdp 5/29/2015 - 10:05 pm

Joyrn54, I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. If this is what you must do to find your salvation, then let nothing stand in your way. they tell us that suicide is the greatest peice of cowardice… That suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which everyone has a more unassailable title than to their own life and person. I wish you happiness, regaurdless of how you find it.

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