I’ve had ONE suicide attempt… only one. I was a strategically thought out plan, that I thought would work. Obviously it failed because I’m here typing this now. I’m not going to go into the detail of my attempt but I will say I’m 5’3 and weigh 110lbs and took 800mg of Benadryl it was 32 pills… i had 68 in the bottle… I kinda hate myself for not taking the whole bottle, but with all the research I did I REALLY wasn’t expecting to wake up the next morning, and I’m lucky I did. I almost had a a stroke, 18 years old and almost had a stroke I would have rather died then be fucked up the rest of my life, but on a good note I’m fine mentally and physically. But, I’m seriously considering a second attempt that wont be failed… I just can’t really handle life, the only thing that keeps me kinda distracted is my job. I’ve been miserable the past 2yrs, every person I have gotten close to, left. I left school because I couldn’t handle the people. I’m never good enough and really, I do not think life is worth it. We live and are miserable, are happy sometimes then die, probably miserable. I pretend like I’m okay for the people around me but really I feel like I’m attached to weight on the edge of a cliff, it’s sad really because IF i killed myself the only people that would care would be my mom my sister and my best friend, who i never see anyways. I love someone, really great guy, you were really close but it didn’t work out, he thought i was too good for him, but he never seen this side of me. We don’t even talk anymore and it sucks because I’m so in love with him, but he wont even acknowledge me. I just want it all to end. My thoughts are getting worse lately and I have never felt more alone in my life. My biggest thing is leaving with things unsaid so here is what i want to say, this is no ones fault but the world around me, I was born in a generation of hate and downing peoples self-worth and really it’s too much for me too take, I love all my family and close friends(Sav and Morgan) The one guy who has always had my heart, you’ll know this is directed at you if you ever read this… remember all the laughs we had, the bears still suck. I hope you have a fulfilling life. I just can’t handle this world anymore and being hurt and used..
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I know what it is to be alone. I know what it is like to wish someone better.
Even so, I find your words appealing and connecting. If anything, know that someone read your tears, felt the bubbles of your drowning.
The view generally held and it might be a misconception is that men have lower standards than women. Instead of feeling depressed you should use it to your advantage. If you owned a Citroen Saxo and someone offered you a Porsche 911 you’d take it wouldn’t you? There’s not such thing as being too awesome.
I don’t know why exactly, but your post made me cry more than usual. I always cry when I read people’s stories of pain and despair on this forum. I guess I see my own sadness in their posts.
I understand your pain, as I have the same pain too. When you reach this point, everything stops to matter. It’s a terrible feeling to be alone.
I think what touched me the most was your feelings for that guy that thought you were too good for him. I felt like that about my ex-fiancée. Eventually she left me. And my life ended. I can’t go on without her. It’s impossible.
Since you feel like there is nothing left for you here anyway, have you thought about trying to get his attention one more time? Making some big gesture, letting him know how you feel? It might work. And if it doesn’t, you’re back to where you are now. Just a thought. I wish you the best.
Never minimize your feelings. You tell him.
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.