Lost and confused

Lost and confused…

Im not quite sure what’s wrong with me. I have been struggling with certain “awkwardness” issues my whole life, and have been extremely depressed for about the last year or so.  I now feel helpless, I feel like all this struggle is pointles, and I have found myself contemplating suicide on the daily now.

I have always been known as the quite guy and have never been much of a social butterfly.  It is hard for me to make new friends or to work up the courage to even call the ones I already have. Its like I have a deep fear of having to expressively communicate with other people.   I have always avoided talking to people on the phone because of the way I am.  If I do try and talk with someone,  I feel extremely awkward and embarassed and the entire conversation is forced.   I cant even make myself call my own family such as my dad or grandmother, or any of them.  I often feel like I can tell when other people are judging me… i feel like everyone thinks im weird when I try and talk or express myself.  The feeling of awkwardness comes along with any social interaction in my life except when I speak with my girlfriend,  and I am assuming that is because I have been with her everyday for the last 7 years and she is the only one I can talk to (though not about any of this ofcoarse).  If I go to hang out around a group of friends/acquaintances I have to consume a lot of alcohol in order to be able to socialize.   This pretty much makes it where all friends and acquaintances only see me when Im drunk as I am not able to socialize without alcohol.  I have excelled academically (likely because of the fact that I  have spent all of my life listening and not talking) and recently graduated college with a 4.0…. however, now that I have graduated (1 year ago) I can not find a job using my major.  I lie to everyone and say that the job market sucks, however, the main reason I can’t find a job in my major is because I cant make myself call places to ask if they are hiring.  I also constantly feel anxiety about having to interview and having to communicate flawlessly with someone as to not hurt my chances of employment.  This “awkwardness” that follows me around has hindered my entire life and keeps me from excelling at anything that involves anyone else besides myself.  I rarely make friends, I rarely make contact with my friends and family, I live my life in isolation and depression.   I want things to be different but I can’t make them be,  I have tried to defeat this “awkward” feeling since I was a child but I cant.  I have now become depressed knowing that my life will continue to be like this.   I feel helpless and I can’t even ask those close to me for help, I can’t even call them.  I cant talk to a shrink because “I cant talk to anyone”… I couldn’t talk to a shrink even if I wanted to because I am broke and have no insurance, and I have no insurance because I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a job because I can’t communicate to employers in a natural manner as other people do.

Ive never told anyone any of this before (not even the girlfriend)…I just found this website while researching peaceful suicide methods on Google.  I have to admit, the thought of having this feeling go away is quite comforting.   Not to have to feel alone,  not to have to feel pressure,  solitude, depression….. And all for what?  To die anyways 60 years down the road.   60 more years of this,  yea I can’t do that…