Man, I feel like I for once was right about something. This website is already proving amazing. My previous vent helped me through the day, and upon logging on again and seeing a couple encouraging comments, I feel I can fully breathe again. Well, at least for today.
Tomorrow is a different story, but we’ll talk about and deal with that when we get there. Seriously though, this website is my new go-to place. I’ve kept diaries in the past, but my older sister snoops through them and at times would have the nerve to leave comments she believed encouraging. On the contrary, they were quite triggering, but I know she meant well. Still, didn’t excuse her snooping. Then I tried to run a Tumblr, but my best friend had the great idea to betray me, and show my Tumblr to my sister as soon as she figured it out herself. I quickly deleted it. Whatever. Now I have this website, along with doubts that anyone will find my account or even know of it.
I’m tired, but for the first time today, happy. I talked with an old friend for the first time in what felt like ages, and that felt really good.
Anyways. I just felt the need to share this update. I am not ashamed to share good news on this website. Go ahead and be annoyed that while i’m posting about my recent source of happiness, someone is taking their life or writing a suicide note on this very website. I should be able to feel happy when I can actually achieve it. Anyone should. We all deserve happiness. Every single one of us human beings. None of us are so shit of a person, that we should be punished by wallowing in our sorrows for what seems like eternity, until they swallow us whole of we swallow a magic bottle of pills. I refuse to feel bad or apologetic for those who feel hatred for me, due to this post.
I will not bow. Yes, that was a reference. None of us should bow, now that I think of it. None of us should give into what society wants us to. None of us should have to feel the need to take ending our lives into our own hands. Maybe i’m getting all philosophical right now because I took my anti-depressant for the first time in a long time today. Or, maybe I finally saw a reason to continue with my life, and inspire others to follow suite. Or maybe, it’s just the post happiness in combination with new hopes and vanilla ice cream that’s getting to me in the most obnoxious way possible. Whatever it is, part of me wants it gone, the other part wants it to stay forever.
Whatever happens, i’m forced to deal with it. I simply can’t throw my left hand in the air in surrender, and wave a white flag with my right as I crouch on the dirty tiles so many mediocre schools seem to have today. I can’t utter the words, “I give up,” from my cracked lips as soon as my knees hit the cold ground. I can’t shamefully peer at my triumphant peers from behind a curtain of limp blonde hair. Because that isn’t me. It shouldn’t be anyone. That’s just wrong. Fuck society. (Even if we are society.) Guys, we can make it.
I know it sounds like a load of downright horseshit to so many of you right now, and you’re all laughing and scrolling past my post, because like me, you’re an angsty teen that no one really gives a rat’s ass about but why? Why are you laughing? Do you want to stay that way? Is the pity party a third place of eternity? Because if it is, tell me how I can escape it. I wish it upon nobody.
We can’t ever get better by a simple pill and a couple sessions of therapy, complete with a fake psychiatrist and uncomfortable plastic chairs. We need to do something ourselves. Your fucking fairy godmother isn’t going to come out of no where and wave her wand, granting you a new, happy life. There is a way out, maybe you just don’t have the key for the exit yet, or the eyes to see it. Maybe, you know where it is, and you have the key, but you just need a travelling companion, because a new happy world scares the shit out of you. Trust me, i’m fucking terrified even at the thought of a day free of real suicidal thoughts that sound fake and fake smiles that look real.
We all need to make it, though. With or without someone, in baby steps or lion leaps, in a month’s spam or a year’s length, we can all make it.
Stay strong, guys. Someone out there loves you for you.
xx Ara
4 comments
This post made me smile ear to ear 🙂 Best of luck in the world xxx
We’re gonna make it! Thanks for your post! It’s always nice to see a positive thread.
I won’t ruin this with any pessimism, thanks for the smiles.
I read this entire post Arabella and it made me smile. It gives me some hope. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for feeling good. Not to be a pessimist, but someone once told me that when you’re feeling good-just run with it and enjoy the ride. There will always be down days but don’t worry about them until they come. Best wishes!